God Save The Queen - A CornerStone In My Spirituality

April 16. Well its officially the weekend. I hope everyone can look back at their week & say they did their best. If your like me & didn't live up to your standards, don't feel bad, just work on yourself & try again.. we can succeed in this spiritual journey. My day was lame from morning to afternoon. I didn't feel good, which may have had to do with all the feeling sorry for myself I was doing. In any case, I needed a good meal & some time outside my head. When dad got home & we headed out for dinner on the town, I was very grateful for our weekly friday ritual. It kicks off the weekend which signifies my dedication to my business, & my life growing outside the program as well as within it. Dinner wasn't anything amazing, no burning bush, but a few treads to getting me in the right direction again. On that path I went for a ride to do some thinking & on the way to my homegroup meeting I stumbled across a cornerstone in my path.

It wasn't in the middle of the road, or the middle of the sidewalk, or anywhere physical. It was in my mind. I had been absorbed in worry & analyzation of my recent heartache & dissapointment, wondering what solutions were going to make the restlessness in my head & heart calm down. I had suggested all of the possible things that could make a future friendship/relationship with the person that hurt me, it seemed they tried a piece of one & had given up. No contact other than sly remarks or avoiding excuses. Then I remembered tonight a bit about myself, about when I was not ready for change or growth in my life. I remember all the excuses, about the finger pointing & trying to make myself so different that nothing applied to me. "That might work for you, but I'm different, and I am just fine."

I had finally come to the turn in direction, my alcoholic thinking was shifting away from its normal and towards a positive direction. Sometimes positive means to take away. I had to really step back & see what I had seen in myself not too long ago in life. An unwilling & spiritually bankrupt person, incapable of change because of self loathing & moral degeneration of myself. All of which were symptoms of my disease, they caused me to do immoral & inconsiderate things to others... and to myself. They caused me to look things I truly wanted in my life, right in the face and reject them or to hide from them. My own past is the cornerstone of my today. With all of this insight I once again have to say, it does not take an alcoholic or addict to make a spiritually sick person. The drugs & alcohol are mere side affects of the overall problem.

Until a person is willing to face their fears, face their shortcomings, face their mistakes, and really wants change & growth in their life... they will continue to hide, hurt, or demoralize all that matters to them. My new insight to my disaster with the said person in my life is one that is undeniable. I have offered understanding & direction, I suggested what has worked for me, and just like when I refused so many times.. this person has said they are fine & they do not have anything wrong they care to fix. My advice to many people during my addiction (aka spiritual bankruptcy) was for the one's I cared about to stay away from me & stay out of my way, that I was not well. That warning was only heard by the people I wasn't afraid to hurt, imagine the torture those who were closer to me had to endure because I couldn't live without them taking the wrath of my addiciton.

In the end I have seen a real & tangible solution to this social problem, it is to shut the door entirely on this person. I am not the one who can make them well, nor can I make them want to be spiritually well. I can only offer tools that have successfully worked for me, if & when they are ever ready to use them. Because of this inability to help, I will be hurt again and potentially more than before, that is if I leave the doors open. So the answer is clear that I must close the doors, leave this person to their own doings and devices. If their castle crumbles on them, I can only pray it doesn't crush their last breath out of them because I still can't save them. I am powerless over their actions or spiritual condition, I can truly only ever save myself... with the help of others.

Although a more difficult task, to tell the one's we love that we can do no more and acknowledge no further of them, it is something that I must do in order to ensure that I can be the best person I can be at all times. That includes me not drinking or taking drugs, and not letting someone take my best qualities & put them through the wood chipper time & again. I am meant to love, befriend, laugh, enjoy, & empower others through this life, not harbor resentment & fear for them, nor hurt over their shortcomings. When loss is gain, is when my spiritual balance is on the line. Anything I let go of, I let go of it to my higher power, in faith that it will watch over it in the absence of my own eyes. In faith that it will love it in the absence of my own expressions of love. And that it will one day save it from itself, we are our own worst enemies without spirituality in our lives. God save the Queen. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy