When You Don't Feel Like Feelings - ReVisiting The P.R.I.S.M

April 15. Well friend's its well past Hump-Day now & drifting into Thursday morning where I live, another day Sober. What suprised me today is I didn't "feel" as much as I normally do, I am not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing. Yesterday I went out to do some late night shopping for business supplies & canvas I needed, got a lot of cool stuff then came home to sleep. From staying up late I obviously slept in, had an early dinner & got going to get coffee & meet friends just as my dad pulled in. It was nice to just say hi to him, we usually miss eachother on the 'come & go' in the evening. Just getting two words in feels good sometimes because I want him to know I care. So I made it out to get a coffee & my friend that I had intended to meet bailed on me before the meeting, no big deal I guess, then again he does it often. That is his inventory however not mine & he hasn't asked me to help him with his either.

So I end up much later out & trying to entertain myself, where I happen to see an old family friend & a short time later a fellow friend of the program. Just in seeing those good people my night was lifted from a dull attempt to feel better to actually FEELING BETTER. So here I am approaching the late evening, finally starting to feel for the day. Its funny because when I start to feel, I feel all at once. I think this is a trait of many of alcoholic/addict & I will explain more about it as it relates to me. There are times when I am just numb, not by choice & not because I am human. People often blame character defects & problems on being human, there are humans that are very spiritually, emotionally, & mentally fit.. we all can work to be to our own personal capacity. But being numb, what I mean is that I lack sometimes the feeling that I have other times. Not a sad or happy feeling.. a sense of feeling all together.

There is no up or down, just a 'there' kind of emotion. At times like this I lack the ability to feel or recognize how others may feel about certain things too. I might just totally miss an obvious clue that my mom is worried about something, or not sympathize with someone who is going through a hard time because I am not in a "feeling" kind of mood. Its definitely an obscure thing to go through, much different from addiction where my primary feeling was fear most of the time but at least a feeling of some sort none the less. I had wondered possibly because of my current life's circumstances not being where I would like them was it affecting my psyche or subconscience somehow. My guess is probably, I'm not a psychiatrist or psycologist I just know a few great things about being sober through spiritual means.

Spirituality for me is thinking outside the box sometimes & examining myself for improvement not counting on some outside entity's examination of me. So when I am feeling without "feeling" I need to do something about that. Its better to feel what is really going on in my life or around me than to be numb, I was numb for too long with drugs & alcohol. Its an uneasy & unintentional state of mind & spirit that I haven't found anything good in staying that way. I know that when I am positive & upbeat things are great for me, so that is my target frame of mind. I think that when I am focused & active working elements of the 12 step program in my life, I am not capable of slipping into that numb zone. Thats why its so important for me to have a daily maintenence for my spirituality & sobriety no matter what time I start my day.

Through many stages of my sobriety I have used a simple daily program called P.R.I.S.M. & I have passed it on to many others, even those who are non-alcoholic/addicts to try in their life. Everyone who uses it, including myself, sees results on a daily basis & can actually say they feel the difference on days they don't use it. "Feel the difference" is something much better than not feeling at all. So I think its about time I start using this everyday again, I mostly do all of these things anyway, but making sure every component of the "PRISM" is achieved is what makes the difference. Its an all, not most, kind of remedy. So what is it? (P).Pray 2 times a day, morning and Night. (R). Read inspirational or goal related literature daily, for me its the Big Book, for others maybe the Bible or other refference. (I). Inventory of yourself each morning, asking 'is there anything I can do to help someone else today, to make myself better, or to help myself in a spiritual way?'. (S). Speak to another alcoholic/addict in recovery, speak to your sponsor, or if your not in recovery speak to someone with a common goal or that you spiritually admire, just a normal talk about whatever comes up. (M). Meeting, attend a meeting daily, a meeting is two or more people gathered to discuss something, the something should be goal oriented like sobriety or spiritual growth, it can just be a friend over coffee or a room full of like minded people.

So there is the PRISM, I talked about it of course for anyone who hasn't heard about it before, but also to remind myself of what works. The bottom line is that what works in our lives, Is What WORKS. I know most would say its human nature for us all to slack off on the things that got us to where we want to be, but there are those dedicated who prove that it is not human nature at all. They are human & its in their nature to keep doing what works & has given them results in their life. I try to be like them everyday, maybe one day I will achieve that, I know that anything is possible with practice. So here's to one more day, alive & sober, to practice doing what works one more time & hopefully start feeling those feelings in my life. Thanks for blogging in.. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy