Self Destruct Mode - Symptoms & Solutions

April 21. Hey friends, wednesday is creeping to an end & thursday slowly approaches. All in all it was a good day. I was up in the early AM, spent some time talking with friends online & my mom at home. After finally deciding to get some rest I had one of those nightmares that didn't want to let me get real sleep. After waking up three times to drift back into the dream I finally got up, cleared my head & said a prayer (and some other choice curses I won't repeat) then tried again. This time successful I rested until I smelled the aroma of mom's delicious dinner cooking. I got to eat w/ mom & dad, then headed out the door armed with a bunch of Krispy Kreme doughnuts for my fellow meeting attenders.

It couldn't have been a better night for mom to send the doughnuts, turns out there was a huge crowd & three people celebrating various years of Sobriety. The sweet treats on me went over well & not a single crumb was wasted, after a great meeting with a phenominal speaker several trays of pizza arrived. All in all the event was over 2 hours long compared to the normal 1 hour meetings we usually see. Every minute was worth it. My alcoholic mind had several selfish thoughts during the meeting, only to be set straight by the speaker's story as thoughts passed through my head. It just goes to show, a positive & spiritual environment can really help us through each day despite ourselves.

I used to be really good at sabatoging my life, when things were going well I had to throw a wrench in the working parts & cause a catastrophy. I celebtrated my 9th month sober yesterday, my typical routine for accomplishment in years past would have been to do some sort of reckless & substance oriented celebrating that ended up with terrible consequences. See good things in my life used to be a reason to do bad things in excess, it was almost like an inner part of me felt it needed to balance out the scales a bit. Today I don't have to go through self ruin to appreciate the good things that come along. I don't have to go through hard or bad times to appreciate the good, I've gone through so much painful existance in the past that I seek the Serenity spoken about in the 12 step program.

No matter if I am on the high road or low road any given day, if I just do as my higher power would have me do & accept the results for what they are I will be fine. I can analyze why I had so many self created disasters in my life, that would be a huge waste of time though. Instead I would rather dedicate my efforts & thinking into doing whats necessary to never let that intentionally happen again. Looking back, I can say I purposely at times put myself in situations because I felt unworthy of the direction my life was heading. I came from a good childhood, I was collectively intelligent, I had a good friend & romance life even at a young age, I even had belief in a religion & an understanding of why moral values were important building blocks.. so why would I have felt unworthy? One word sums it all up, an unexplainable, mysterious & real disease.. Alcoholism.

It doesn't need a reason, it doesn't need to be provoked, it simply is & it causes those inflicted to seek out a solution. For so many years I treated the symptoms of my disease with drugs & alcohol, the constant use of them never occured to me as a red flag that their was an underlying problem or disorder at the time. Not until awareness through contact with other alcoholics did I even consider the notion, my final understanding is that the pain, suffering, alcohol & drugs were all symptoms of a disease that was beyond my control. I had to turn it over to my higher power, treat the problem.. myself, and practice principles of a spiritual nature daily in my life to have a chance at surviving my self destructive ways. My first time hearing the messages carried in the rooms of the 12 step programs, I thought it all to be a farce & that I just was the way I was because of choice.

It took hitting a bottom lower than any I have seen in my life or other's I know to call for action. At that bottom, when nothing else existed but me, myself, & I.. I had to find a real solution, there was nothing left to try, I was in a corner with no resources left to temporarily treat my disease. So I had to come back to what I once thought as a "song & dance" & ask for help. I needed guidance & change to gain protection from myself. They told me I would have to be willing to be totally honest & I would have to be willing to do it someone else's way. Tonight's celebration for the three people in the fellowship was not just a celebration of Sobriety, but an example to all that if we seek a true & lasting solution to any problems that lie within ourselves.. that with belief in a higher power, the 12 steps, & other spiritual people in our lives we can live on til our final day our creator intended us to live.. free from the bondage of ourselves & relieved of our alcoholism. We do this one day at a time. So for this day.. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy