June 30. Well it's the end of June & this time last year my journey into Sobriety was truly beginning. A few failed attempts at doing it my way had broken me down in desperate weeks to finally realize I had to do it somebody esle's way. That I in fact only knew how to go through life on a survival basis, lacking spirituality & full of numbed emotions. When I passed through this spiritual experience, the change that miraculously occured in my psyche causing the craving for a new life, I was finally capable of the honesty & humility required of me participate in the program ahead. Some time after I began to do as suggestion, attending meetings twice a day for nearly 180 days straight. I was in fact the several times a day, every day, drug addict & alcoholic & for that sort of beginning was necessary. Its not the same journey for everyone, but its for all the same reasons & results, to find a new way of life. For me, from early on, it was clear that this was about so much more than staying sober it was about growing my life in spiritual steps, leaps, & bounds. For some not yet ready to dig deep within themselves, there is a surface to it all that just helps one stay sober one day at a time, but when they awaken ready the spiritual path is laid out in those same lines. Its almost like an encrypted code within the steps & the fellowship, you see it however as your higher power reveals it to you, not as someone else teaches you like in the sobriety part of it all.
Today was a great day to end the month, I ended it with furthering new beginnings & solidifying some footholds in a few relationships in my life. After a morning of appointments I met a new friend for the 2nd time with her children for a walk around Lake Scranton again. My cousin & his wife & family also came, it was a good fun & phsycially fit time for us all. My relatives left early & it was just my friend & her children left behind to enjoy the next hour or so. In that I talked & walked, swapping stories & interests which is a form of socializing I never was capable of before sobriety. In the past someone else's interests were not important to me unless they matched my own at that given time, that is the selfishness of the disease of alcoholism at its finest. Her son later caught two water mocasin's & the mood was brightened for all, finally everyone who came had a fun time & my spirits raised higher in knowing that joy was brought not just to me, but to others I am beginning to care for. I came home after that & tinkered at my house, later leaving for my evening meeting. The meeting ended up being cancelled without my knowledge & some men were at the church drinking beer & setting up for a church carnival picnic. Any other time in my life if I showed up where people were cracking open beers, I would ask where there was another one, but this is what sobriety has done for my life.
I don't have control over drugs or alcohol, nor myself once I take or drink them, but I do have control today over that first drink. I have the power to keep from taking that first dose or sip, granted to me by the 12 Steps in my life, the fellowship & friends, my attempts at spiritual growth, and my new life filled with belief in a higher power thanks to all of the above miracles. I called a few people to try & find the location of the meeting if it was at an alternate location, and one actually called back, but with no information on it. We talked a few minutes & I was already driving home, I had survived another brush with drugs & alcohol without giving in, thanks to my higher power & the things I've been taught to do. When I started this journey last year, I could only survive moments, hours, and one day at a time without drugs. I still live only one day at a time, because we all only have today after all. The one thing that the Spirit shines its light on so brightly in my life today though, that is HOW FAR I HAVE COME in all aspects of my life. It is my wishes that my higher power give me the strength & resources to continue to grow all these areas & even new healthy & helpful ones to people around me, I hope that it is my higher power's same wish. To find out I must continue on the path of spirituality & see what comes next, but it is promised that MORE WILL BE REVEALED as I go, and that good things will materialize IF I WORK FOR THEM. Good Night.. GOod Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
It Works, If You Work It
June 29. Hey again friends, a great Tuesday almost in the bag. I had the luxury of attending another celebration tonight, this man sharing 18yrs of sobriety w/ us tonight. Earlier in the day I got to see my friend Tom & my cousin, two of the closest people in my life before & after beginning my spritiual transformation. I say beginning because that is just it, I have only begun, my higher power willing. After a chunk of my day with them I visited w/ my aunt who I have not seen in a long time, priorly to some shame & her own struggles I did not want to expose myself too earlier. Today I felt different, more spiritually fit if you will, and the visit was wonderful. I got home & to my suprise my newphew, niece, and youngest older sister was here. I took the kids for a little walk to see the cows, then on an adventure through the woodline. At the end of our short journey (short for little legs & a tired uncle) we got some overside fungi from a rotted tree for grandma, who loves them for country decor. A short time after I had to prepare to get ready for the meeting this evening, so a shower & change later I was out the door to pick up my cousin.
It was a fantastic celebration, not for the man w/ 18 years, but for the 12 Step fellowship itself. The celebrations are continual proof that the program, or as I call it life change, works.. If You Work It. With so many things tailored & ready made to suit us in our lives, many of us are not used to working for much & that which we do work for we often have cut corners or cheated to get there. The hard earned things are much more valued & appreciated, like the teenager who works three summers for their first car, seen polishing the chrome. Compare that to the one who gets it handed to them, skipping oil maintenence & crashing it carelessly into a random object, then expecting another. We even can order our own personal computers tailored to us, with all the premade colors, bells & whistles we want it to have. There is one thing that is not buyable in a ready made fashion that I know of, its not something that comes just the way we want it & that is life or for me.. spiritual life. For so long I was unable to work at so many areas of my life, say for the quick fixing & instantly happy parts. These were usually followed by an immediate crash without the money or resources to sustain the false sense of good life around me.
After enough failures, enough time spent numb to all emotion & the world, I finally felt enough pain to take a loot at my life. There was nothing, all that was left was the hope in the hearts of those that still loved me, who were few & far between. But I had hope myself, that there was something more. In fact, I often prayed during addiction for my higher power to either end my life with the next dose or to finally throw me something exciting & worthwhile to rescue me from my prison of selfish & trapping spiritual bankruptcy. My prayers were answered & I did not die, though many a time I nearly did, instead I was offered help. One miracle after another people & resources fell into place like dominoes stacked for a grand finale tumble. Even through my slipping from my nearly achieved foothold in sobriety the help continued to pour out from doctor to judge & parents to stranger. A message soon came, my understanding it without having to fall back to the grip of my alcoholism is a miracle as well I believe. "It Works, If You Work It." What did that mean? Everything life has to offer, thats what it meant to me. Sobriety, spritiuality, love, honor, respect, morality, faith, hope & all that makes life great.
See it was never my creators intention to hand me a tailor made life, ready for me to plug into & live my dreams. It had to be worked for, it still has to be worked for. It is only ever going to work if I fearlessly, honestly, & humbly work it every day of my life. That includes being sober, growing spiritually, being a better son & brother, friend & proprieter, lover & man. It is the things I achieve outside the physicalities of my body that will one day measure how great I become. No statue or plaque should be raised in the wake of my works that I have left on this earth, only people that remember a lost boy emerging to a man of aid to those around him, sick & suffering, lost & confused, lacking spirit & a friend. There are many jobs that a person can voluntarily take as they wander this world, those without financial promise & benefit to others are the ones that interest me when I need a spiritual uplifting. Although I know I must put effort into financial sources in order to effectively help myself & others in this material & money driven society, world rather, I will value more when I draw a line at my needs financially & cross then to working with others spiritually. Its a dream of mine to one day have worked at my sober & spritiual life enough, that my strength, experience & hope is great enough a force that I can help others while sustaining a living. Perhaps owning a Sober House to help others while generating income, or owning a business that employs recovering alcoholics & addicts.. if I work at that too, like all other things, it will one day work with the will of my higher power. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
It was a fantastic celebration, not for the man w/ 18 years, but for the 12 Step fellowship itself. The celebrations are continual proof that the program, or as I call it life change, works.. If You Work It. With so many things tailored & ready made to suit us in our lives, many of us are not used to working for much & that which we do work for we often have cut corners or cheated to get there. The hard earned things are much more valued & appreciated, like the teenager who works three summers for their first car, seen polishing the chrome. Compare that to the one who gets it handed to them, skipping oil maintenence & crashing it carelessly into a random object, then expecting another. We even can order our own personal computers tailored to us, with all the premade colors, bells & whistles we want it to have. There is one thing that is not buyable in a ready made fashion that I know of, its not something that comes just the way we want it & that is life or for me.. spiritual life. For so long I was unable to work at so many areas of my life, say for the quick fixing & instantly happy parts. These were usually followed by an immediate crash without the money or resources to sustain the false sense of good life around me.
After enough failures, enough time spent numb to all emotion & the world, I finally felt enough pain to take a loot at my life. There was nothing, all that was left was the hope in the hearts of those that still loved me, who were few & far between. But I had hope myself, that there was something more. In fact, I often prayed during addiction for my higher power to either end my life with the next dose or to finally throw me something exciting & worthwhile to rescue me from my prison of selfish & trapping spiritual bankruptcy. My prayers were answered & I did not die, though many a time I nearly did, instead I was offered help. One miracle after another people & resources fell into place like dominoes stacked for a grand finale tumble. Even through my slipping from my nearly achieved foothold in sobriety the help continued to pour out from doctor to judge & parents to stranger. A message soon came, my understanding it without having to fall back to the grip of my alcoholism is a miracle as well I believe. "It Works, If You Work It." What did that mean? Everything life has to offer, thats what it meant to me. Sobriety, spritiuality, love, honor, respect, morality, faith, hope & all that makes life great.
See it was never my creators intention to hand me a tailor made life, ready for me to plug into & live my dreams. It had to be worked for, it still has to be worked for. It is only ever going to work if I fearlessly, honestly, & humbly work it every day of my life. That includes being sober, growing spiritually, being a better son & brother, friend & proprieter, lover & man. It is the things I achieve outside the physicalities of my body that will one day measure how great I become. No statue or plaque should be raised in the wake of my works that I have left on this earth, only people that remember a lost boy emerging to a man of aid to those around him, sick & suffering, lost & confused, lacking spirit & a friend. There are many jobs that a person can voluntarily take as they wander this world, those without financial promise & benefit to others are the ones that interest me when I need a spiritual uplifting. Although I know I must put effort into financial sources in order to effectively help myself & others in this material & money driven society, world rather, I will value more when I draw a line at my needs financially & cross then to working with others spiritually. Its a dream of mine to one day have worked at my sober & spritiual life enough, that my strength, experience & hope is great enough a force that I can help others while sustaining a living. Perhaps owning a Sober House to help others while generating income, or owning a business that employs recovering alcoholics & addicts.. if I work at that too, like all other things, it will one day work with the will of my higher power. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Monday, June 28, 2010
We Are Spiritual Beings On A Human Journey
June 28. Hello all my friends, I want to say I missed writing to everyone yesterday. I was exhausted & needed sleep after a long weekend. I like to write when I am focused & full of feelings, being tired is not one of my preffered feelings. Happy, Mad, Sad, Confused, those are all better feelings to write about & much better to feel than numbness like I did for over a decade. I wanted to tell how my day was in brief then share a wonderful message that I have adopted into my own life. I slept in & overslept from the long weekend. By the time I got to doing anything it was time to eat an early dinner & get ready for my monday MARS group. I could only spend a half hour there because back at my home group there was a celebration for two individuals, one who was there my earliest days in sobriety & another who came around to my home group shortly after I joined. The event was amazing & the speaker's words sparkled like gemstones. A true celebration for the 12 Steps & the fellowship, and a beautiful story that pricelessly relayed the hope that this & all things can work out if you are in the solution. I stayed around for a while to socialize afterwards then gave a young man a ride home. When I got home I got to spend some time with mom & dad, and that was Monday. All except this message I wanted to share. It is something that I have come to find is a reality as I grow in spiritual ways. Before sobriety I could not imagine, let alone understand this way of thinking. Today there is a new light though.
"We Are SPIRITUAL BEINGS on a HUMAN JOURNEY, not HUMAN BEINGS on a SPIRITUAL JOURNEY". That phrase the first time it was told to me did not mean much. I was sober, but still cleaning my mind out from the thick toxic fog that it had laid upon me. I was not yet in touch with the spirtiual life I was to persue later, and I had only had a few short spiritual moments after the primary one that shook me into searching for a sober solution in my life. But the author of this phrase must have had influence from a higher power, I believe the same higher power I have faith in was to credit. These words have been carried through ages of societies, dismissed by the scientific & embraced by the spirtiual. If they were not true I would not be living them today, for me & only me that is proof enough. For too many years I could not see this truth, or even comprehend it. That was all because of my alcoholism & my trapping myself in a human body & world. Had I never acted upon my spirtiual experiences that got & keep me sober today, my eyes may never have been opened to this journey I am on & I may have never crossed from the path of human life to the path of spiritual life.
See I was obsessed with human royalties & refreshments. Drugs made my body feel good, soothed my mind, and filled me with spirit that I could not experience on my own. That was because I was already trapped in the Human Experience. I had not and was not willing to give spirituality its well deserved time or room in my life because I didn't know what I was missing or how to get it even. So I was on a human journey from the day I turned a teenager & for the 14 following years. Small glimpses of chemical & physical joys would rule me, while the world around me had many who left this path & found a spiritual one. I was blind, from disease & ignorance, obsession & compulsion, childhood to an immature maturity. I never gave my life a chance to develop any spiritual footholds, I didn't even know they existed. When I felt like things were too tough, I drank to forget them, when I celebrated, I did drugs to reward myself. Never was there a spiritual side to my journey for all those years. Small spiritual connections still lived in me though, despite my unawareness.
My love & worries for my mother were because of a spiritual connection. As it was for the rest of my family. Those tiny spiritual existances were the cause for my feeling of guilt, shame, and unworthiness of a family so great. Trapped in a prison of human pleasures & escape from spiritual life altogther I was not able to see through the fog to the truth. That this life was not all about this human journey I had been on for so long. It was with the first miracle & the answer to my call for help that my eyes began to see differently. Over the course of months & through hearing the words repeatedly I finally became aware of the spiritual world around me. I could see what my human & diseased past was trying to keep me from. A higher power of my understanding & a world around me that was more than physical & chemical. Where in my heart & the spirit of others good deeds & good living amounted to more money & more affect than any chemcial or physical thin could bring me. I am by no means a strong man physically. I am pound for pound fit, but I am not the spectacle of human strength that many body builders & althetes are. That human power is noticable, it is visible & displayable to the human eyes. My spiritual life is too, but it is only visible by others who are spiritual.
Since beginning my spiritual life, since becoming a spiritual being, my life has changed so much. All for the better, when bad things happen today in my human life, my spiritual life corresponds to guide me through it. When my last breath goes, I believe my spirit will carry on, that is just my personal belief & I am only stating it to support my faith in spiritual being over human being. I was given a body, one that can be harmed or healed, taken care of or neglected. In the same sense I was given a spiritual body, one that could be ignored or embraced, taken care of or neglected. It is through living among the spiritual principles & suggestions that I have come to realize that I am indeed a Spiritual Being on a Human Journey.. not the other way around. Its because I live today free from the clutches of an incurable disease that I know my human body has been overpowered by my spiritual one. My remaining alcohlic thoughts & ways that exist without the drink itself are dealt with by my spiritual experiences & life. I can only get better so long as I remember that spirituality will keep me free from the human defects of character. I can live free of the prison that is the limits to the human body, and have an unlimited amount of joy & serenity through spending more time living spiritually & less time living for humanly gains. We can all do ourselves justice, by taking advantage of our human bodies, keeping them fit & healthy so that we may enjoy what so many others cannot see.. that is our spiritual life, where we must pour as much, if not more, energy into growing & living there as we do in our human bodies. One day this journey will be over & I look forward to a day when my spiritual life goes on.. wether it be in some other dimension of existance or through the many people I have touched & helped in human life. We can chose to walk on our feet through this human being life, or spread our wings & fly free in this spiritual being life. I am one convinced that I must live in the place of the spirit, and shed as much of the human shell as I can before I meet my day that I shed my body itself. Thanks for blogging in, Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
"We Are SPIRITUAL BEINGS on a HUMAN JOURNEY, not HUMAN BEINGS on a SPIRITUAL JOURNEY". That phrase the first time it was told to me did not mean much. I was sober, but still cleaning my mind out from the thick toxic fog that it had laid upon me. I was not yet in touch with the spirtiual life I was to persue later, and I had only had a few short spiritual moments after the primary one that shook me into searching for a sober solution in my life. But the author of this phrase must have had influence from a higher power, I believe the same higher power I have faith in was to credit. These words have been carried through ages of societies, dismissed by the scientific & embraced by the spirtiual. If they were not true I would not be living them today, for me & only me that is proof enough. For too many years I could not see this truth, or even comprehend it. That was all because of my alcoholism & my trapping myself in a human body & world. Had I never acted upon my spirtiual experiences that got & keep me sober today, my eyes may never have been opened to this journey I am on & I may have never crossed from the path of human life to the path of spiritual life.
See I was obsessed with human royalties & refreshments. Drugs made my body feel good, soothed my mind, and filled me with spirit that I could not experience on my own. That was because I was already trapped in the Human Experience. I had not and was not willing to give spirituality its well deserved time or room in my life because I didn't know what I was missing or how to get it even. So I was on a human journey from the day I turned a teenager & for the 14 following years. Small glimpses of chemical & physical joys would rule me, while the world around me had many who left this path & found a spiritual one. I was blind, from disease & ignorance, obsession & compulsion, childhood to an immature maturity. I never gave my life a chance to develop any spiritual footholds, I didn't even know they existed. When I felt like things were too tough, I drank to forget them, when I celebrated, I did drugs to reward myself. Never was there a spiritual side to my journey for all those years. Small spiritual connections still lived in me though, despite my unawareness.
My love & worries for my mother were because of a spiritual connection. As it was for the rest of my family. Those tiny spiritual existances were the cause for my feeling of guilt, shame, and unworthiness of a family so great. Trapped in a prison of human pleasures & escape from spiritual life altogther I was not able to see through the fog to the truth. That this life was not all about this human journey I had been on for so long. It was with the first miracle & the answer to my call for help that my eyes began to see differently. Over the course of months & through hearing the words repeatedly I finally became aware of the spiritual world around me. I could see what my human & diseased past was trying to keep me from. A higher power of my understanding & a world around me that was more than physical & chemical. Where in my heart & the spirit of others good deeds & good living amounted to more money & more affect than any chemcial or physical thin could bring me. I am by no means a strong man physically. I am pound for pound fit, but I am not the spectacle of human strength that many body builders & althetes are. That human power is noticable, it is visible & displayable to the human eyes. My spiritual life is too, but it is only visible by others who are spiritual.
Since beginning my spiritual life, since becoming a spiritual being, my life has changed so much. All for the better, when bad things happen today in my human life, my spiritual life corresponds to guide me through it. When my last breath goes, I believe my spirit will carry on, that is just my personal belief & I am only stating it to support my faith in spiritual being over human being. I was given a body, one that can be harmed or healed, taken care of or neglected. In the same sense I was given a spiritual body, one that could be ignored or embraced, taken care of or neglected. It is through living among the spiritual principles & suggestions that I have come to realize that I am indeed a Spiritual Being on a Human Journey.. not the other way around. Its because I live today free from the clutches of an incurable disease that I know my human body has been overpowered by my spiritual one. My remaining alcohlic thoughts & ways that exist without the drink itself are dealt with by my spiritual experiences & life. I can only get better so long as I remember that spirituality will keep me free from the human defects of character. I can live free of the prison that is the limits to the human body, and have an unlimited amount of joy & serenity through spending more time living spiritually & less time living for humanly gains. We can all do ourselves justice, by taking advantage of our human bodies, keeping them fit & healthy so that we may enjoy what so many others cannot see.. that is our spiritual life, where we must pour as much, if not more, energy into growing & living there as we do in our human bodies. One day this journey will be over & I look forward to a day when my spiritual life goes on.. wether it be in some other dimension of existance or through the many people I have touched & helped in human life. We can chose to walk on our feet through this human being life, or spread our wings & fly free in this spiritual being life. I am one convinced that I must live in the place of the spirit, and shed as much of the human shell as I can before I meet my day that I shed my body itself. Thanks for blogging in, Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Saturday, June 26, 2010
We Learn From Our Past How To Live Today
June 26. Hello everyone, today was a fairly long workday but I had some excitement to break it up. I hope everyone's weekend is going well & finishes strong on the spiritual side. So after a slow but steady day of customers spending small amounts here or there, I made enough to stay in business, get some new things, and buy my mom a purse & wallet with her favorite lil lady Tinkerbell on it. But during the course of the day I had an incident at my stand. A couple who I've seen many times before & dealt with alot prior also decided that if not for the first time, at least this time, they were going to steal from me. The woman put two necklaces with matching braclets into her pocket & tried to walk out of my stand. Knowing the laws from the many times I have broken it or gotten around one, and having paid the embarassments & pentalties for my acts of desperation to fund my addiction back then, I knew the rules on concealment & that it was a crime even if I didn't let her leave. She of course denied stealing anything & pointed to my perfume table where no jewelry was or is kept & said they were there.
Of course I could see they werent there I said, "show me where" & as I said that she removed them from her pocket & threw them on the table before me. I picked them up & yelled thieves leave this market before I have you arrested for stealing. Leave now & don't come back. They of course misunderstood my dedication to doing whats right & having countless other vendors that are friends & in danger of their theivery I knew it was right to get rid of them for good. They did not follow my request & so I got security, we stopped them in the parking lot & gave them an opportunity to be honest instead of denying what she did (and there were other vendors who witnessed it) in exchange for a break. Her husband, who was her accomplice & visiual barrier (or so he thought) kept rambling on how he was sorry "my friend" & that he was a man of God. I told him that friends don't steal & that men of God would not hide their wives theivery knowingly. Because she would not budge on her lie about the theft I had the security call the police, he was a cop but off duty & only working security at the time.
The police showed up & asked what I would like to do, I thought back to a few times I got in trouble & the breaks I had been given after getting a good scare from the police. So I said regaurdless of their confession I will let them go with a lifetime ban drom the market, but give them a chance to tell the truth under the belief they will be getting charged if they do not tell the truth. They kept the lie, I had offered an act of faith that I had truly hoped they would learn & be honest from but I cannot change them merely offer help as I did in this case. They were let go as I agreed with no charges & banned from the market, trying to appologize to me & shake my hand while mumbling they were sorry continuously & the man mumbling he was a man of God & his wife was a woman of God. I had replied that God, Allah, whomever they reffer to him as, because I generally use the term "higher power" in my writings but this was live action, that they must learn what they have done & change or that same God he claimed to be a man of will punish him if not.
See I don't have a problem with folks stating the entity which crafts & forms their faith, the one that drives their life, actions, and existance. There is nothing wrong with that, until you use that power represented in a named higher power to cover up an act that is not favored by that entity. That higher power is to be given credit for great things we accomplish, because without it we may never have done so, but the horrible acts that we have commited in selfishness, diseased alcoholism or addiciton, and many other defects of character are not to be shadowed by its awesome power of good in our lives. That being did not create or empower us to do these evil acts of theft and worse things that can be done including lying, our selfishness & fear empowers these sorts of actions & lies. Today I am glad that I only use the name of my higher power in credits to great things & not as a justifaction or covering for my selfish actions. Those actions when they did occur in the past were my pure selfishness & if they were to occur again it would be that same cause.
So thank you for all those out there that use a higher power as intented, not to take oaths of lies, speak with forked tounges, to justify immoral actions, or to cut someone down in their own beliefs or life. We can all learn from our past as I have, that woman being arrested would have done little to no good in improving her chances to truly live spiritual & sound. I was arrested so many times & it did not change a thing, instead it was when my actions & faith were contested against a true moral base & when I had been embarassed in society, wrought in pain for my selfishness on a continual basis, and one day alone & cold with no grace of my higher power to warm my spirits.. then & only then was I finally able to change. I can only hope that I did the right thing today. I can only hope this woman never steals again & one day gives of herself & what she can to others instead of taking. I can only lead by my own kindness in not procecuting a theft when I recover my merchandise, not calling someone names who hurt me when they are simply sick to begin with, & not hurting others because of own selfishness. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Of course I could see they werent there I said, "show me where" & as I said that she removed them from her pocket & threw them on the table before me. I picked them up & yelled thieves leave this market before I have you arrested for stealing. Leave now & don't come back. They of course misunderstood my dedication to doing whats right & having countless other vendors that are friends & in danger of their theivery I knew it was right to get rid of them for good. They did not follow my request & so I got security, we stopped them in the parking lot & gave them an opportunity to be honest instead of denying what she did (and there were other vendors who witnessed it) in exchange for a break. Her husband, who was her accomplice & visiual barrier (or so he thought) kept rambling on how he was sorry "my friend" & that he was a man of God. I told him that friends don't steal & that men of God would not hide their wives theivery knowingly. Because she would not budge on her lie about the theft I had the security call the police, he was a cop but off duty & only working security at the time.
The police showed up & asked what I would like to do, I thought back to a few times I got in trouble & the breaks I had been given after getting a good scare from the police. So I said regaurdless of their confession I will let them go with a lifetime ban drom the market, but give them a chance to tell the truth under the belief they will be getting charged if they do not tell the truth. They kept the lie, I had offered an act of faith that I had truly hoped they would learn & be honest from but I cannot change them merely offer help as I did in this case. They were let go as I agreed with no charges & banned from the market, trying to appologize to me & shake my hand while mumbling they were sorry continuously & the man mumbling he was a man of God & his wife was a woman of God. I had replied that God, Allah, whomever they reffer to him as, because I generally use the term "higher power" in my writings but this was live action, that they must learn what they have done & change or that same God he claimed to be a man of will punish him if not.
See I don't have a problem with folks stating the entity which crafts & forms their faith, the one that drives their life, actions, and existance. There is nothing wrong with that, until you use that power represented in a named higher power to cover up an act that is not favored by that entity. That higher power is to be given credit for great things we accomplish, because without it we may never have done so, but the horrible acts that we have commited in selfishness, diseased alcoholism or addiciton, and many other defects of character are not to be shadowed by its awesome power of good in our lives. That being did not create or empower us to do these evil acts of theft and worse things that can be done including lying, our selfishness & fear empowers these sorts of actions & lies. Today I am glad that I only use the name of my higher power in credits to great things & not as a justifaction or covering for my selfish actions. Those actions when they did occur in the past were my pure selfishness & if they were to occur again it would be that same cause.
So thank you for all those out there that use a higher power as intented, not to take oaths of lies, speak with forked tounges, to justify immoral actions, or to cut someone down in their own beliefs or life. We can all learn from our past as I have, that woman being arrested would have done little to no good in improving her chances to truly live spiritual & sound. I was arrested so many times & it did not change a thing, instead it was when my actions & faith were contested against a true moral base & when I had been embarassed in society, wrought in pain for my selfishness on a continual basis, and one day alone & cold with no grace of my higher power to warm my spirits.. then & only then was I finally able to change. I can only hope that I did the right thing today. I can only hope this woman never steals again & one day gives of herself & what she can to others instead of taking. I can only lead by my own kindness in not procecuting a theft when I recover my merchandise, not calling someone names who hurt me when they are simply sick to begin with, & not hurting others because of own selfishness. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Friday, June 25, 2010
Vision, Direction, Dedication - Whatever It Takes
June 25. Hey friends, hope your Friday was fun & spiritual. Its almost mindnight & I'll be working the weekend away at my shop, which is just fine by me. Today was pretty good, I had taken some friends for breakfast then came home because I was up way too long. I got some much needed sleep before my long weekend & woke up for dinner w/ mom & dad at home this time because we went out last night instead. I had a commitment again to chair my home group meeting & we had a business meeting afterwards. After a great topic of denial & some good topics in the business meeting we adjourned & I cleaned up, a total of a 3 & 1/2 hour commitment for me by the end. Thats 3 plus hours I didn't have to think about myself or my alcoholism selfishly so I can say that it was just fine that it took so much time up. I thought it would be a good idea to take the time to talk about something I am struggling with as a topic. Well, I struggle with it sometimes but it seems like people around me, that affect me, are struggling with this also & I should probably share it.
So often in my life I lacked the ability to decide what I wanted. Not only that, but even if I had the slightest clue as to what I did want, I had difficulty identifying how to make it happen or what lengths I would go to get it in my life. I could start down an avenue I wanted to walk in my life & then abandon it for my addiction or sometimes out of fear or the lack of spirituality in my life to drive me. As I grow in Sobriety my spirituality also grows with me & I am becoming slowly better & better at being able to picture what I want in my life. I am also getting better at being able to identify how to make it happen or who can show me what to do to get the results or on the path I seek. It is becoming more aware the lengths I have to go to accomplish & keep certain things in my life, I am slowly becoming more capable & willing to stay the course even when a nearby victory is not in sight. The concept of going to any lengths to accomplish, achieve, and attain is becoming clearer as I become more spirtiual. By any lengths, I mean any that are moral & in spiritual line with my beliefs & what I am learning.. immoral demands or actions to accomplish things are not in my or other's best interests today, but for example staying the course as long as it takes is.
I am dealing with a few people in my life saying they want certain things, yet they question the effort or means by which they must attain them. A specific uneasy case is someone close questioning the "why's" & the lengths they must go to get what they want, when what they want is contingent on somebody else seeing their efforts & dedication. We all get our dreams broken apart sometimes & realize that one of our goals or desires is not within our means of accomplishment, but in my previous example the conditions are well within this person's reach & capacity. Getting sober was no simple decision for me, I had to truly want it more than I wanted to not feel my pain that I numbed with drugs & alcohol. Prior to achieving it, before it was accomplish & a part of my life, I had to be willing to go through any & all lengths to get it. The goal was a just & fit one, no immoral actions or itentions were associated with my sobriety. I have never had to question my beliefs in order to get on or stay on this spiritual path, I do sometimes question my abilities & strengths. For those struggles I go back to the desire, I remind myself how much I want to keep it (or get it) and I take that to my higher power to pray for strength. I take it to my support group & sponsor to help me with their experience. I take it to strangers to be proud of my choice & my direction. I remind myself every way possible how sure I am of what I want.
In the end, I must personally learn that other's are not & will not necessarily always be in or reach the spiritually motivated state I am in at any given time. Their lack of spiritual drive is a part of them & if I chose to be a friend to them I must deal with this set back & accept it. I cannot change others, I can only change myself with the help of my higher power. It is such a difficult task to be a part of someone else's path, when they continually tell you that is where they want you, yet they do not support their words with action & ability. I can relate to being in a spot before sobriety where I looked at things I genuinely wanted in my life, yet lacked the ability to get them. I can only hope that one day they will find the spiritual drive I have found in my particular journey & that I continue to find the same kind of relentless & willing attitude towards other things I want in the future. For all who are still trying to find their way, including myself.. There is HOPE. I cannot let other's shortcomings bring me down, although I have, I must get back up & shake it off because that is one of the lengths I must go to in order to maintain my sobriety. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
So often in my life I lacked the ability to decide what I wanted. Not only that, but even if I had the slightest clue as to what I did want, I had difficulty identifying how to make it happen or what lengths I would go to get it in my life. I could start down an avenue I wanted to walk in my life & then abandon it for my addiction or sometimes out of fear or the lack of spirituality in my life to drive me. As I grow in Sobriety my spirituality also grows with me & I am becoming slowly better & better at being able to picture what I want in my life. I am also getting better at being able to identify how to make it happen or who can show me what to do to get the results or on the path I seek. It is becoming more aware the lengths I have to go to accomplish & keep certain things in my life, I am slowly becoming more capable & willing to stay the course even when a nearby victory is not in sight. The concept of going to any lengths to accomplish, achieve, and attain is becoming clearer as I become more spirtiual. By any lengths, I mean any that are moral & in spiritual line with my beliefs & what I am learning.. immoral demands or actions to accomplish things are not in my or other's best interests today, but for example staying the course as long as it takes is.
I am dealing with a few people in my life saying they want certain things, yet they question the effort or means by which they must attain them. A specific uneasy case is someone close questioning the "why's" & the lengths they must go to get what they want, when what they want is contingent on somebody else seeing their efforts & dedication. We all get our dreams broken apart sometimes & realize that one of our goals or desires is not within our means of accomplishment, but in my previous example the conditions are well within this person's reach & capacity. Getting sober was no simple decision for me, I had to truly want it more than I wanted to not feel my pain that I numbed with drugs & alcohol. Prior to achieving it, before it was accomplish & a part of my life, I had to be willing to go through any & all lengths to get it. The goal was a just & fit one, no immoral actions or itentions were associated with my sobriety. I have never had to question my beliefs in order to get on or stay on this spiritual path, I do sometimes question my abilities & strengths. For those struggles I go back to the desire, I remind myself how much I want to keep it (or get it) and I take that to my higher power to pray for strength. I take it to my support group & sponsor to help me with their experience. I take it to strangers to be proud of my choice & my direction. I remind myself every way possible how sure I am of what I want.
In the end, I must personally learn that other's are not & will not necessarily always be in or reach the spiritually motivated state I am in at any given time. Their lack of spiritual drive is a part of them & if I chose to be a friend to them I must deal with this set back & accept it. I cannot change others, I can only change myself with the help of my higher power. It is such a difficult task to be a part of someone else's path, when they continually tell you that is where they want you, yet they do not support their words with action & ability. I can relate to being in a spot before sobriety where I looked at things I genuinely wanted in my life, yet lacked the ability to get them. I can only hope that one day they will find the spiritual drive I have found in my particular journey & that I continue to find the same kind of relentless & willing attitude towards other things I want in the future. For all who are still trying to find their way, including myself.. There is HOPE. I cannot let other's shortcomings bring me down, although I have, I must get back up & shake it off because that is one of the lengths I must go to in order to maintain my sobriety. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
The Motivation Within Wins
June 25. Hey friends, it's past midnight & officially friday early morning. Thursday was a good day. I didn't sleep well cuz of a new allergy I discovered, being sober the first time in June on my parents land in 14 years just about. It may have been there all along & its not terrible, but I noticed it & was making me stuffy. I figure with all the good changes in my life, a physical allergy change is very possible for the negative. So in a very tired state Mom & I started our day by taking my car to the mechanic for inspection. We left it for the day & stopped so I could buy her breakfast. After that we went home & a while later I was asleep. We got the call the car was done in the early evening & had to go pick it up before closing, thankfully no problems or fixes needed. After which Dad called on our way home & told us to turn around so we could all meet for dinner. A nice italian spot later & a full belly I headed home to get ready for my 8pm meeting. It was a celebration meeting for a great guy accomplishing his first year sober. Its great to be there & supportive, it also got me thinking about my celebration coming up next month. Two speakers shared a great message then afterwards we had the group business meeting & adjourned. I went out for coffee & to throw around thoughts afterwards.
Sitting there thinking, I had thought about what a person's motivation is for getting sober. We all have our individual driving moments & feelings, but when it gets down to the skin & bone what makes up that willingness to change after for so long we suffered unable to do so. Hearing people share about this in the past, I realize even this is different for some people. Because of that I never compare myself to anyone, but try to identify parts of myself in their journey instead. So many people come to the 12 Step rooms because of their kids, judges, relationships, parents, and other motivations outside themselves. These people more often then not do not make it, at least not their first time through. I was even one of these types a few years ago when attending a few short lived meetings by order of an agency in my home county. The desperation, low bottom, and sickness that drives me to be a sober success today was not there back then. It also is missing from those people who are in the fellowships because of outside motivation. "The Motivation Must Come From Within Ourselves", this I have realized to be a sometimes grim reality.
How I got that motivation is a story for the history books or maybe someday an autobiography. The details sum up to be a totaling force of depression, pain, lack of a spiritual life, and physical & mental sickness. There is more than that which comprises my bottom, but you can get the general idea. For some, having their kids taken away from them, being transferred from jail to a rehab, or pressured by a wife or husband is not what it takes to develop that inner willingness to change one's self. We can try & try, sometimes gather short days, weeks, months or years in dry time. We can learn alot during these times also, seeds planted for if we ever develop the desire ourselves to adopt this lifestyle for ourselves. But the seeds are not watered by our spirit, they are left with nothing in which to grow upon. We go through the motions, attending meetings, celebrations, even sometimes taking a few suggestions or commitments. At the end of it though the reality that we did none of this for ourselves, but all for another sinks in.
It is once we get comfortable again, when things are going well that so many fall back to the depths of alcoholism & addiction. Because everything is alright, or so it seems on the surface & in action, everyone is convinced around us that we are healing or healed, when truly in spirit we have done nothing because none of it meant anything to ourselves. At some point we think of, obsess, or are tricked by our spiritual sickness into taking a stab at the old bottle or drug. Maybe because of how we feel, because things are going to well & we arent used to it, or because despite our efforts for everyone & everything else all the time & attention we put into getting dry ends up failing us. The people leave, the children grow up, the sentence ends, or the wife/husband leaves after realizing we still arent well. We are back to our old ways & our old friend alcoholism. This happens to almost every alcoholic that does not at some point understand & adopt the message that "WE MUST DO THIS FOR OURSELVES" & that "The World Around Us Benefits From Our Sobriety Anyway".
When we do it for ourselves instead of for a motivation outside ourselves we can permanently recover. Not be cured, there is no cure for alcoholism, but there is a daily reprieve of its grip on our lives contingent on our spiritual condition & maintenence. We cannot be spiritual unless we are doing this for our own internally driven desires that contain no tangible benefits other than being a better person for our world, our higher power, & ourselves. That includes all things & persons attached to us, but starting & ending with us at all times. So when you hear the of the parent getting sober for their kids, the spouse getting sober for their love, the teenager getting sober to stay out of jail, and all of these other outside forces at work.. the urgency is clear. We must do it for ourselves or we lost it & all we did it for. We must want what sober alcoholics have, not what we've already lost or face loosing. What they have is Serenity, Peace, Love, Understanding, Honesty, Integrity, A Clean Slate, & A Higher Power in their lives. So What Drives You? Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Sitting there thinking, I had thought about what a person's motivation is for getting sober. We all have our individual driving moments & feelings, but when it gets down to the skin & bone what makes up that willingness to change after for so long we suffered unable to do so. Hearing people share about this in the past, I realize even this is different for some people. Because of that I never compare myself to anyone, but try to identify parts of myself in their journey instead. So many people come to the 12 Step rooms because of their kids, judges, relationships, parents, and other motivations outside themselves. These people more often then not do not make it, at least not their first time through. I was even one of these types a few years ago when attending a few short lived meetings by order of an agency in my home county. The desperation, low bottom, and sickness that drives me to be a sober success today was not there back then. It also is missing from those people who are in the fellowships because of outside motivation. "The Motivation Must Come From Within Ourselves", this I have realized to be a sometimes grim reality.
How I got that motivation is a story for the history books or maybe someday an autobiography. The details sum up to be a totaling force of depression, pain, lack of a spiritual life, and physical & mental sickness. There is more than that which comprises my bottom, but you can get the general idea. For some, having their kids taken away from them, being transferred from jail to a rehab, or pressured by a wife or husband is not what it takes to develop that inner willingness to change one's self. We can try & try, sometimes gather short days, weeks, months or years in dry time. We can learn alot during these times also, seeds planted for if we ever develop the desire ourselves to adopt this lifestyle for ourselves. But the seeds are not watered by our spirit, they are left with nothing in which to grow upon. We go through the motions, attending meetings, celebrations, even sometimes taking a few suggestions or commitments. At the end of it though the reality that we did none of this for ourselves, but all for another sinks in.
It is once we get comfortable again, when things are going well that so many fall back to the depths of alcoholism & addiction. Because everything is alright, or so it seems on the surface & in action, everyone is convinced around us that we are healing or healed, when truly in spirit we have done nothing because none of it meant anything to ourselves. At some point we think of, obsess, or are tricked by our spiritual sickness into taking a stab at the old bottle or drug. Maybe because of how we feel, because things are going to well & we arent used to it, or because despite our efforts for everyone & everything else all the time & attention we put into getting dry ends up failing us. The people leave, the children grow up, the sentence ends, or the wife/husband leaves after realizing we still arent well. We are back to our old ways & our old friend alcoholism. This happens to almost every alcoholic that does not at some point understand & adopt the message that "WE MUST DO THIS FOR OURSELVES" & that "The World Around Us Benefits From Our Sobriety Anyway".
When we do it for ourselves instead of for a motivation outside ourselves we can permanently recover. Not be cured, there is no cure for alcoholism, but there is a daily reprieve of its grip on our lives contingent on our spiritual condition & maintenence. We cannot be spiritual unless we are doing this for our own internally driven desires that contain no tangible benefits other than being a better person for our world, our higher power, & ourselves. That includes all things & persons attached to us, but starting & ending with us at all times. So when you hear the of the parent getting sober for their kids, the spouse getting sober for their love, the teenager getting sober to stay out of jail, and all of these other outside forces at work.. the urgency is clear. We must do it for ourselves or we lost it & all we did it for. We must want what sober alcoholics have, not what we've already lost or face loosing. What they have is Serenity, Peace, Love, Understanding, Honesty, Integrity, A Clean Slate, & A Higher Power in their lives. So What Drives You? Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Don't Quit 5 Seconds Before The Miracle
June 23. Hello everybody I hope your middle of the week was not long. Mine flew by & was a truly awesome day. I didn't sleep much last night but didn't let that put a fork in the day I had planned. The decision was already made before last night came that I was going to hang out with a new friend in the morning & I gave it the priority I would give a meeting or a day of running my business. So with 3 1/2 hours sleep I met up with my friend & we took my car to Lake Scranton to walk & talk about everything under the sun. We even saw two copper heads, one almost three feet & his little brother or sister in the water after him. Countless animals, laughs, and stories later we had put in our nearly 3 miles & got back in the car, AC blasting to cool down. We went for a scenic ride back to where we met & parted ways. I was not only pleased with the visit, its something I look forward to doing again. Only next time we might take a boat out at a state park. I stopped in to see my best friend's wife at work & he happened to be there too. A few jokes & laughs later we planned to meet up a little later when he was free. We did just that & I also got to see my other closest friend, I call him a best friend too because I would gladly fight his battles with him any day should he have any. We hung out together but seperately, as in all three of us were not together at the same time. But I was glad to see them both. I got a really late dinner & came home to a great suprise.
My parents were waiting up because the space station was going to orbit directly over our skyline & early enough that we could all see it's radiant glow. We stood under the thin cloud cover staring upward at the universe abroad & it seemed like we missed our moment. The time for the passing thru orbit visually that was given had come & gone, just as we thought we would not see it... suddenly it appeared glowing brightly through the thin clouds. This reminded me of something, and it's tonight's topic. Had we counted it out as a "missed opportunity" or said I guess it's just not gonna happen for us, we would have never seen the space station tonight. Had we not been eager & willing to pan the horizon through cloud cover to see it emerge, its glow would have passed without us knowing it. We didn't give up before it happened. Even though it was late, even though we thought it might not appear to us at all like we were told. This is the same blind hope we must apply to our spiritual & sober lives. A saying is coined in the 12 Step rooms, "Don't quit 5 seconds before the miracle".
Just as if we had quit looking for the space station to orbit, if we quit working on our sobriety we are missing a truly heavenly occurance. If we didn't look hard enough through the clouds we would have never seen it & if we don't look at ourselves enough to see through the fog our spiritual disease has created we may never see ourselves or what we truly want in our lives. If we got sick of waiting & went inside thinking we missed it, that glow would have been just a myth told to us by someone else who knew it would be there. And if we think we are never going to see serenity & peace in sobriety & quit too early we will think that those who were sober before us were giving us false hope or spreading myth. But in fact the miracle does happen, just as the space station did orbit. I have experienced both, and continue to experience things in sobriety that change me spiritually. I am much more the man I ever was or could be if I wasn't sober, & even though others ego's may sometimes doubt that, I can live on knowing I have done my best.
See if we want to see something amazing happen, sometimes we just have to hang in there & hope its going to happen. I don't suggest waiting for the sun to stop moving, or a million dollars to appear in your bank account. I am talking about confirmed factual occurances that can or will happen, like the space station's passing, and a spiritual awakening upon taking the 12 Steps into your life. Long before we even take all these steps many of us feel the change beginning, mentally, physically, spiritually. So don't quit 5 seconds before the miracle, or before you see what you really wanted to see in your life. Space station or sobriety, spirituality or solar rays. There is a solution. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
My parents were waiting up because the space station was going to orbit directly over our skyline & early enough that we could all see it's radiant glow. We stood under the thin cloud cover staring upward at the universe abroad & it seemed like we missed our moment. The time for the passing thru orbit visually that was given had come & gone, just as we thought we would not see it... suddenly it appeared glowing brightly through the thin clouds. This reminded me of something, and it's tonight's topic. Had we counted it out as a "missed opportunity" or said I guess it's just not gonna happen for us, we would have never seen the space station tonight. Had we not been eager & willing to pan the horizon through cloud cover to see it emerge, its glow would have passed without us knowing it. We didn't give up before it happened. Even though it was late, even though we thought it might not appear to us at all like we were told. This is the same blind hope we must apply to our spiritual & sober lives. A saying is coined in the 12 Step rooms, "Don't quit 5 seconds before the miracle".
Just as if we had quit looking for the space station to orbit, if we quit working on our sobriety we are missing a truly heavenly occurance. If we didn't look hard enough through the clouds we would have never seen it & if we don't look at ourselves enough to see through the fog our spiritual disease has created we may never see ourselves or what we truly want in our lives. If we got sick of waiting & went inside thinking we missed it, that glow would have been just a myth told to us by someone else who knew it would be there. And if we think we are never going to see serenity & peace in sobriety & quit too early we will think that those who were sober before us were giving us false hope or spreading myth. But in fact the miracle does happen, just as the space station did orbit. I have experienced both, and continue to experience things in sobriety that change me spiritually. I am much more the man I ever was or could be if I wasn't sober, & even though others ego's may sometimes doubt that, I can live on knowing I have done my best.
See if we want to see something amazing happen, sometimes we just have to hang in there & hope its going to happen. I don't suggest waiting for the sun to stop moving, or a million dollars to appear in your bank account. I am talking about confirmed factual occurances that can or will happen, like the space station's passing, and a spiritual awakening upon taking the 12 Steps into your life. Long before we even take all these steps many of us feel the change beginning, mentally, physically, spiritually. So don't quit 5 seconds before the miracle, or before you see what you really wanted to see in your life. Space station or sobriety, spirituality or solar rays. There is a solution. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
The Help Outside Helps Inside
June 22. Hello again blog world. Tuesday was awesome. Those three words say enough but maybe I should elaborate & share on a topic. Before that I want to again say, it is my joy & pleasure to write here daily in hopes that somebody will find something positive to adopt into their life. My gratitude for having even one reader out there that cares is endless. Back to today, I started my afternoon goofing around w/ my mom. I decided to go through her baskets placed around her computer & make her sort everything out she didn't need & make the things she did accessible. I killed a few hours after that reading & researching some things & even snuck in a few short conversations w/ friends online. I had dinner & dad got home, by then it was time to start getting ready for my usual Tuesday night meeting. Until last week I had stopped going to the early recovery part of the meeting & staying with the traditional 12 Step meeting for the past several months. Last week I was asked to co-chair the early recovery meeting w/ a friend & for some reason I was asked to do it again this week. The results proved that there was a reason I was asked, sometimes these things are not revealed to us but this time it was.
After the meeting a group of people who were in that early recovery meeting the past two weeks approached me before leaving the room. They thanked me for chairing the meeting w/ my friend & said they love what I bring to the meeting & share when I am there. A few departing faces later I thanked a guy for bringing up the topic, he & another young man thanked me in return for what I had to share & for helping them hear what they needed to. The funny thing is that I accepted the opportunity to co-chair tonight for the same reason I did last week, to hopefully help others relate to & find strength, hope, and gain experience necessary to stay & live sober & spiritual lives. Its a mystery how in the process of trying to do that, my own spirits were lifted by the compliments of other's warming hearts. Its the magic of the fellowship, the 12 Steps, & the presence of my higher power among others who share a common goal. No other place in my travels have I experienced this sort of result, nor have I seen a fellowship work the way the 12 Step ones do without falling apart. 75 years of success this year, and the 12 Steps have not changed the entire duration.
There is a miracle that occurs when people try to help eachother, one that does not exist any place else & its a hard one to forget. A smile gained when you pour your heart & soul, honesty & integrity, strength & experience into others, is one that does not easily fade. All of the material things we surround ourselves could not measure on any scale to the joy brought from helping another alcoholic/addict or person in need. I realize this after finding relief from that toxic world. During my addiction I could never have & did not see the benefits of helping others. Its not money, nor is there any real tangible reward or action, but its the feeling in your heart & spirit knowing that you connected with another & lifted them out of the bad place they were in. The satisfaction of lightening their burdens with kind words & sometimes honest, harsh realities. No other place in the many I have seen, visited, & experience contains this magical quality. More proof that my higher power is indeed the highest of all & it's reach & approval is within the 12 Steps & the fellowships that adopt them.
I have more things to add to my gratitude list tonight, the gratitude of other's. Their kind words & appreciation, their smiles, hugs, & handshakes. The opportunity to share hope & faith in a proven program that can change & save lives. The power of positive perspective & the glory of other's recognizing its works in my or their own lives. All these things, possible because a power greater than myself heard my prayer, answered my call & gave many the strength to guide me on my way. It's purposeful existance in the 12 Steps & importance in my recovery, the reliance my family has placed on it all & their help, and a few good friends that have been there the course to see me befriend more still. With all I have gained I know that the only way to keep it is to share it with others, I know this because it's whats right & what is meant to be. For one alcoholic, no, one friend to help another. Anytime, everytime I can help someone help themselves I will answer that call to duty. Because so many have done it for me. Thanks for blogging in.. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
After the meeting a group of people who were in that early recovery meeting the past two weeks approached me before leaving the room. They thanked me for chairing the meeting w/ my friend & said they love what I bring to the meeting & share when I am there. A few departing faces later I thanked a guy for bringing up the topic, he & another young man thanked me in return for what I had to share & for helping them hear what they needed to. The funny thing is that I accepted the opportunity to co-chair tonight for the same reason I did last week, to hopefully help others relate to & find strength, hope, and gain experience necessary to stay & live sober & spiritual lives. Its a mystery how in the process of trying to do that, my own spirits were lifted by the compliments of other's warming hearts. Its the magic of the fellowship, the 12 Steps, & the presence of my higher power among others who share a common goal. No other place in my travels have I experienced this sort of result, nor have I seen a fellowship work the way the 12 Step ones do without falling apart. 75 years of success this year, and the 12 Steps have not changed the entire duration.
There is a miracle that occurs when people try to help eachother, one that does not exist any place else & its a hard one to forget. A smile gained when you pour your heart & soul, honesty & integrity, strength & experience into others, is one that does not easily fade. All of the material things we surround ourselves could not measure on any scale to the joy brought from helping another alcoholic/addict or person in need. I realize this after finding relief from that toxic world. During my addiction I could never have & did not see the benefits of helping others. Its not money, nor is there any real tangible reward or action, but its the feeling in your heart & spirit knowing that you connected with another & lifted them out of the bad place they were in. The satisfaction of lightening their burdens with kind words & sometimes honest, harsh realities. No other place in the many I have seen, visited, & experience contains this magical quality. More proof that my higher power is indeed the highest of all & it's reach & approval is within the 12 Steps & the fellowships that adopt them.
I have more things to add to my gratitude list tonight, the gratitude of other's. Their kind words & appreciation, their smiles, hugs, & handshakes. The opportunity to share hope & faith in a proven program that can change & save lives. The power of positive perspective & the glory of other's recognizing its works in my or their own lives. All these things, possible because a power greater than myself heard my prayer, answered my call & gave many the strength to guide me on my way. It's purposeful existance in the 12 Steps & importance in my recovery, the reliance my family has placed on it all & their help, and a few good friends that have been there the course to see me befriend more still. With all I have gained I know that the only way to keep it is to share it with others, I know this because it's whats right & what is meant to be. For one alcoholic, no, one friend to help another. Anytime, everytime I can help someone help themselves I will answer that call to duty. Because so many have done it for me. Thanks for blogging in.. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Monday, June 21, 2010
Life's Expectations - Dream On
June 21. Well I hope everyone got over their case of the "Mondays", it took me a little while but here I am. Happy & free once again. I did nothing of significance all day except get some rest that I needed. Bad dreams early this morning did not want to let me sleep. I started getting ready for my meeting when I remembered I had forgotten to do something & someone was counting on me to deliver. I weighed my options & determined it was going to be better to be late & consistant than on time & unprepared. That consistancy later proved to be worth while because the gentleman didn't mind at all that things were imperfect & was not let down. Funny how an attempt at doing the right thing, turns out to be exactly the right thing after all. So very late to the meeting I joined my sponsor & other friends at MARS Group, I'm glad I did. It was the pick me up that I needed, or the way to shake off the case of the "mondays" I had. It turned out that my phone while charging had entered a mode where my calls were going to voicemail, and friends were worried about me because I am normally at MARS Group prompt to its starting. That felt great to know others care that much about me to call & leave messages.
There is so much I have come to expect out of life, or wanted to find since getting sober. Sometimes it can be overly exciting to get those things, or smashing of morale when you don't. At least for me it can be that way. But I often lose track of an important key element when expecting things to appear in my world.. During my active addiction I expected nothing but to get by & get high another day. There was no accomplishing goals, there was no relationships, and no expecting to have other needs met or to get any sort of joy from others or things either. Unless they were drugs or a drink that is. We often get sober & immediately expect all of our wants & needs to be filled. Fortunately that is now how it works. I say "fortunately" because by not just getting what I want or desire in my life it gives me the opportunity to appreciate & value these things or persons when they do finally enter my life. That is to say if they even enter it at all. There are no gaurantee's our wishes will be met just because we got sober & started a spiritual journey.
But I DO HAVE FAITH that my higher power will fullfil my dreams, and give me the strength to do my part when it comes to these desires. So long as my wishes are in the same moral field & "good or great things" I believe that doing the right thing consistantly & living right will yeild these dreams over time. I do not dream outside the box, because I do not wish to be let down any more than I already am sometimes. For example I do not dream of flying like a bird, but I do dream of flying to Europe one day. See if our goals are tangible, respectable, and healthy then we should hold tight on to them & never grow them into an obsession or put them before our sober & spiritual life. It is my goal to continue to dream, without expectation. It is my hopes that through living a spiritual & sober life of good intetions & actions that my higher power will bless me with such dreams. I will never want anything more than the strength to achieve my goals, for them to appear from thin air would mean less, and I want to value life's treasures as they become part of my life. It's been helpful for me to talk about this topic tonight, with things in perspective once again I hope you can all do one thing for me as you read this.. Dream On! Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
There is so much I have come to expect out of life, or wanted to find since getting sober. Sometimes it can be overly exciting to get those things, or smashing of morale when you don't. At least for me it can be that way. But I often lose track of an important key element when expecting things to appear in my world.. During my active addiction I expected nothing but to get by & get high another day. There was no accomplishing goals, there was no relationships, and no expecting to have other needs met or to get any sort of joy from others or things either. Unless they were drugs or a drink that is. We often get sober & immediately expect all of our wants & needs to be filled. Fortunately that is now how it works. I say "fortunately" because by not just getting what I want or desire in my life it gives me the opportunity to appreciate & value these things or persons when they do finally enter my life. That is to say if they even enter it at all. There are no gaurantee's our wishes will be met just because we got sober & started a spiritual journey.
But I DO HAVE FAITH that my higher power will fullfil my dreams, and give me the strength to do my part when it comes to these desires. So long as my wishes are in the same moral field & "good or great things" I believe that doing the right thing consistantly & living right will yeild these dreams over time. I do not dream outside the box, because I do not wish to be let down any more than I already am sometimes. For example I do not dream of flying like a bird, but I do dream of flying to Europe one day. See if our goals are tangible, respectable, and healthy then we should hold tight on to them & never grow them into an obsession or put them before our sober & spiritual life. It is my goal to continue to dream, without expectation. It is my hopes that through living a spiritual & sober life of good intetions & actions that my higher power will bless me with such dreams. I will never want anything more than the strength to achieve my goals, for them to appear from thin air would mean less, and I want to value life's treasures as they become part of my life. It's been helpful for me to talk about this topic tonight, with things in perspective once again I hope you can all do one thing for me as you read this.. Dream On! Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Their Day - Who Matters Every Day
June 20. Hey everybody, the weekend is winding down & Sunday is almost over here. Happy Father's Day to all dad's out there, I got to write in time to say that to all who are. I worked the weekend away, but its something I have an interest & passion to do so it actually makes time fly. My parents were traveling & got me some new ring displays & other things while at my shop I was buying ring boxes & eye catchers as well. Its funny how we don't need a day specifically to recognize eachother, we just do it all the time. That is my topic today, or has to do with that fact. Although it is a great thing to recognize special people on special days like father's day, it is actually something we should do everyday if we are spiritually fit. Yes I made a point to tell my dad to have a great father's day, but it is every day that I see the great man he is & how much he means to me & does for me. Alot seems to go unnoticed, but it is not.
My point of tonight's entry is to say this, we should focus our efforts every day to show those people in our lives that matter so much, how much they actually matter. Expressions of gratitude, celebrations of the role someone plays in our life can be a daily occurance if we chose it to be. It makes life that much more rewarding, for the one recieving compliment & the one making the difference. In fact by recognizing their efforts, love, & assistance on a regular basis, we in turn make a difference as well. No holiday, event, or celebration can contain enough gratitude for those who have made my journey possible, including my father & so many others in my family, friends, & support group. Each day alive that I spend sober & in spiritual direction, I am glorifying & celebrating their being a part of my life. Without these special people, my participation in so many things would be an impossibility. That includes simply wishing them a "Happy" day.
So when we are faced with these calander days, lets not be afraid to make them a big deal. We just also need to remember tomorrow that we need to do it all over again & again. When life is good & you feel the magic, sprinkle a little of your own magic dust around in the form of compliments & gatitude. You never know how long a great person will be in our life or be able to make it so great for us, so take a little time to make theirs just as great. Put a mark on their calander 365 days a year so they never forget how special they are to us, because maybe, just maybe we are special to them too & thats why our lives wouldn't be the same without them. So today, tomorrow, and every day.. let's celebrate everyone in our lives that counts as it is "Their Day". Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
My point of tonight's entry is to say this, we should focus our efforts every day to show those people in our lives that matter so much, how much they actually matter. Expressions of gratitude, celebrations of the role someone plays in our life can be a daily occurance if we chose it to be. It makes life that much more rewarding, for the one recieving compliment & the one making the difference. In fact by recognizing their efforts, love, & assistance on a regular basis, we in turn make a difference as well. No holiday, event, or celebration can contain enough gratitude for those who have made my journey possible, including my father & so many others in my family, friends, & support group. Each day alive that I spend sober & in spiritual direction, I am glorifying & celebrating their being a part of my life. Without these special people, my participation in so many things would be an impossibility. That includes simply wishing them a "Happy" day.
So when we are faced with these calander days, lets not be afraid to make them a big deal. We just also need to remember tomorrow that we need to do it all over again & again. When life is good & you feel the magic, sprinkle a little of your own magic dust around in the form of compliments & gatitude. You never know how long a great person will be in our life or be able to make it so great for us, so take a little time to make theirs just as great. Put a mark on their calander 365 days a year so they never forget how special they are to us, because maybe, just maybe we are special to them too & thats why our lives wouldn't be the same without them. So today, tomorrow, and every day.. let's celebrate everyone in our lives that counts as it is "Their Day". Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Friday, June 18, 2010
Strength In Numbers - We Are Not Alone
June 18. Well Friday is coming to an end & the weekend is upon us. I will be working as always at my store both days, but that is a comprimise of balance that I chose to have in my life today. I find it a necessary anchor & a purposeful function in my spiritual, social, and sober life today. All the valuable lessons I learn during these times that are about everyday life, economics, and other fields of thinking are irreplacable. Things I fell far behind the 8 ball on during my active alcoholism & addiction. I had dinner as always with mom & dad, it was a good time that I had to cut short due to sudden responsibility of having to chair my homegroup meeting. That actually felt good to be purposeful & useful to cover for another person in their time of need. Speaking of time of need, while opening the meeting, another man's time of need became more evident than anyone else's at the moment. He shared with me over a cigarette about how his father is near death in the hospital & he is hurting very badly over it. Badly enough that I could see the water in his eyes & the quiver of his lips. Mind you this man is a tough looking guy, strewn with tatoo's & shaved head. Men like this, society labels often, do not feel pain like this.
The reason most assume this is because of their public presentation, but in fact we all feel, and when we don't its because we are treating these conditions with drugs or alcohol, or some other mechanism of escape & numbness. It shows a true sign of progress, not only to acknowledge these pains, but to share them with someone else. I had suggested that he share with the entire meeting group his struggles & pain, he had said he wasn't sure if he could do that. In fact though he did & we all were so glad that was his choice. See there is a power greater than ourselves in sharing our feelings with others. The same relief & strength he got from sharing it with me is multiplied over the numbers in the group. We in turn use strength in numbers to conquer our fears & problems. By making our woe's known, we make them have less power over us & the group empowers us more. That is how we overcome our worst enemies & even ourselves at times, despite our alcoholic ways of old.
Strength in numbers. That is a key that has been proven true & mysterious about the 12 Step fellowships. Together many can achieve what one man alone could not do for himself. The power of many suddenly becomes one woman or man's own power over their own weakness. Where we would normally fail ourselves & take a drink or drug out of pain, fear, sorrow, or guilt.. we instead rise above to fight for ourselves & our sober/spiritual lives for one more day. If that is all we can accomplish then we take our problem to the group again tomorrow. It is only for today that we must remain on the ball and out of the reach of a drink, tomorrow is none of our concern. The group is just as special a part of this process as the individual who has the problem. It is the combined hope, strength, and experience of all that come together to solve EACH individual's struggles with drugs, alcohol, and life's challenges themselves. So when we think we are big enough to take care of everything ourselves, let us remember, we are not alone. Here's to the strength in numbers. Good Morning.. Good Night.. <3 Jimmy
The reason most assume this is because of their public presentation, but in fact we all feel, and when we don't its because we are treating these conditions with drugs or alcohol, or some other mechanism of escape & numbness. It shows a true sign of progress, not only to acknowledge these pains, but to share them with someone else. I had suggested that he share with the entire meeting group his struggles & pain, he had said he wasn't sure if he could do that. In fact though he did & we all were so glad that was his choice. See there is a power greater than ourselves in sharing our feelings with others. The same relief & strength he got from sharing it with me is multiplied over the numbers in the group. We in turn use strength in numbers to conquer our fears & problems. By making our woe's known, we make them have less power over us & the group empowers us more. That is how we overcome our worst enemies & even ourselves at times, despite our alcoholic ways of old.
Strength in numbers. That is a key that has been proven true & mysterious about the 12 Step fellowships. Together many can achieve what one man alone could not do for himself. The power of many suddenly becomes one woman or man's own power over their own weakness. Where we would normally fail ourselves & take a drink or drug out of pain, fear, sorrow, or guilt.. we instead rise above to fight for ourselves & our sober/spiritual lives for one more day. If that is all we can accomplish then we take our problem to the group again tomorrow. It is only for today that we must remain on the ball and out of the reach of a drink, tomorrow is none of our concern. The group is just as special a part of this process as the individual who has the problem. It is the combined hope, strength, and experience of all that come together to solve EACH individual's struggles with drugs, alcohol, and life's challenges themselves. So when we think we are big enough to take care of everything ourselves, let us remember, we are not alone. Here's to the strength in numbers. Good Morning.. Good Night.. <3 Jimmy
Thursday, June 17, 2010
A Tool or Crutch? - A Crutch IS A Tool
June 17. Hello friend, family, & fellow freedom fighers. It was another good day in my life, this trend is ongoing & a true blessing from my higher power. I didn't sleep really much at all last night & had a 2 hour nap before the doctors this afternoon, mom went for the ride with me. It was another great group there, although I am the minority opinion being one of the only few that attend a 12 Step fellowship out of all his patients. Funnily enough he see's the most progress in me he says. If thats true or not I may never know, but it certainly felt good to hear. After the visit & group I had another appointment with my counselor I see once a month. I brought alot of "life" out during that visit & you could say that I heard some helpful things, but it was mostly a venting session. Sometimes those are necessary & very helpful, other times we hope that these professionals can provide us with helpful solutions or advice. Its not always the case when you are seeing a court appointent agency with less than experienced therapists rather than highly educated & experienced counselors with masters or M.D.'s. All was well though and the visit served it's purpose. I came home for dinner then back out again to my usual Thursday meeting at Aurora Group.
The topic there was the 12 Step meetings & fellowship being reffered to as a "crutch" by many. So many people who are ignorant to our inability to stop & stay stopped alone tease & pressure addicts/alcoholics into giving up that crutch and using their own willpower. Our own willpower & thinking is what got us there in the first place, it is not capable nor logical to assume it can get us out or keep us out of addiction. I have found that the meetings are the tool for me to work at a sober & spiritual life. Like some unique tools, there is only one & it does its specific job. A crutch for example is a tool by which people mobilize when injured or suffer the severing of a leg. This tool helps them get by until they are well, and unfortunately alcoholism does not have a cure, we can only work in the solution & gain a daily reprieve from it. That being said it is much like a severed limb, only a disease that does not allow us to ever be functional without the "tool" by which we get by.. or the "crutch" we use to walk. With that in mind, I am not ashamed to use a "crutch" to walk the straight and narrow. It beats crawling in the lows of the mud & humanity while my addiction run rampant in my life. It is the only tool that I have found to date that works, I have tried everything myself, and tried many outside sources of help. I have found only one tool by which I can travel this world sober & spiritual, happy & free, that is through the 12 Step fellowship, meetings, and program altogether. Thanks for blogging in.. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
The topic there was the 12 Step meetings & fellowship being reffered to as a "crutch" by many. So many people who are ignorant to our inability to stop & stay stopped alone tease & pressure addicts/alcoholics into giving up that crutch and using their own willpower. Our own willpower & thinking is what got us there in the first place, it is not capable nor logical to assume it can get us out or keep us out of addiction. I have found that the meetings are the tool for me to work at a sober & spiritual life. Like some unique tools, there is only one & it does its specific job. A crutch for example is a tool by which people mobilize when injured or suffer the severing of a leg. This tool helps them get by until they are well, and unfortunately alcoholism does not have a cure, we can only work in the solution & gain a daily reprieve from it. That being said it is much like a severed limb, only a disease that does not allow us to ever be functional without the "tool" by which we get by.. or the "crutch" we use to walk. With that in mind, I am not ashamed to use a "crutch" to walk the straight and narrow. It beats crawling in the lows of the mud & humanity while my addiction run rampant in my life. It is the only tool that I have found to date that works, I have tried everything myself, and tried many outside sources of help. I have found only one tool by which I can travel this world sober & spiritual, happy & free, that is through the 12 Step fellowship, meetings, and program altogether. Thanks for blogging in.. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Opportunity - Taking On New Things
June 16. Hey friends, Wednesday is almost over & we are on the other side of that hill in the middle of our week. When your having a good week getting to this point isn't always desirable, but everyday has been a blessing for nearly the past year & I owe it all to my higher power & a positive perspective. That is something I am working harder on everyday to keep in the foreground of my thinking, hopefully it stays there. I didn't do anything special to make this a great day, I just stayed sober with the tools I have been given & the rest happened on its own. Funny how a day without drugs & alcohol was hell in active addiction & now its another positive & powerful miracle today. That again is perspective, but also my physical health picking up to feel better without those substances. I got to see a friend tonight in my travels & talked for a bit. I really don't know him well, but with his kind heart & family oriented mind, I somehow feel like I know him very well. It's great to be focused & clear headed enough to see the good in people these days, much better than only seeing what I can get out of them like in the past.
Tomorrow is my usual monthly doctor's visit, however I cannot stay for the whole group afterwards due to another obligation. So many people just want to get in & out of things that are important in their lives, I know because I was one of them. They suddenly become less important. I am actually a bit dissapointed I cannot stay for the group meeting after the doctors visit because the past few months I have had the opportunity to connect with & spread the word of Sober & Spiritual living through the 12 Steps to many people who have not yet heard or seen its effictiveness. Opportunities don't come all that often for some things. And "Opportunity" is something I am constantly looking for today. When we are spiritually sick we cannot often times see, nor take advantage when we do, opportunity available to us. Opportunity in turn doesn't come without risk sometimes, and risks are necessary but one thing I will never risk for an opportunity is my sobriety today.
How I do that is by staying connected with another alcoholic with sober time. Being open & honest about my intentions, thoughts, and involvement in life's many opportunities. When opportunity has knocked in the past I was not there to open the door. Most times I was passed out, paranoid, or in fear that it was the cops at my door. That is taking things a bit literal, but a fact none the less about my addiction's grip back then. The chokehold that was once around my neck due to my disease's power was released by one great opportunity after another that I was lucky enough to take on. Prior to meeting the judges & the like, I had an opportunity to begin my sober journey. Taking advantage of that opportunity with an open mind & heart was the start of my spiritual life's rebuilding.
More opportunities, even some from the judge himself, came after that. And the rewards were far greater than the risk in each of them. Since getting sober I realize how much opportunity I had turned down in the past, or was not capable of taking on because of my disease & its breaking of me. Opportunity, responsibility, risk & reward, along with many other new things are finally possibility in my life in ways they never were before. No longer do I have to take advantage of opportunities to simply gain financially so I can buy drugs, and hope the risk doesn't bite me back to throw me in jail. Now I can take opportunities to help people, to gain spiritually from doing so, and teach others to do the same as I am learning myself to do it all with balance. Here's one more opportunity for us all... to be willing to do great things for other people, to make ourselves better spiritual channels from which others learn & grow, and to do all of this with a sound mind, body, & spirit. Thanks for blogging in .. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Tomorrow is my usual monthly doctor's visit, however I cannot stay for the whole group afterwards due to another obligation. So many people just want to get in & out of things that are important in their lives, I know because I was one of them. They suddenly become less important. I am actually a bit dissapointed I cannot stay for the group meeting after the doctors visit because the past few months I have had the opportunity to connect with & spread the word of Sober & Spiritual living through the 12 Steps to many people who have not yet heard or seen its effictiveness. Opportunities don't come all that often for some things. And "Opportunity" is something I am constantly looking for today. When we are spiritually sick we cannot often times see, nor take advantage when we do, opportunity available to us. Opportunity in turn doesn't come without risk sometimes, and risks are necessary but one thing I will never risk for an opportunity is my sobriety today.
How I do that is by staying connected with another alcoholic with sober time. Being open & honest about my intentions, thoughts, and involvement in life's many opportunities. When opportunity has knocked in the past I was not there to open the door. Most times I was passed out, paranoid, or in fear that it was the cops at my door. That is taking things a bit literal, but a fact none the less about my addiction's grip back then. The chokehold that was once around my neck due to my disease's power was released by one great opportunity after another that I was lucky enough to take on. Prior to meeting the judges & the like, I had an opportunity to begin my sober journey. Taking advantage of that opportunity with an open mind & heart was the start of my spiritual life's rebuilding.
More opportunities, even some from the judge himself, came after that. And the rewards were far greater than the risk in each of them. Since getting sober I realize how much opportunity I had turned down in the past, or was not capable of taking on because of my disease & its breaking of me. Opportunity, responsibility, risk & reward, along with many other new things are finally possibility in my life in ways they never were before. No longer do I have to take advantage of opportunities to simply gain financially so I can buy drugs, and hope the risk doesn't bite me back to throw me in jail. Now I can take opportunities to help people, to gain spiritually from doing so, and teach others to do the same as I am learning myself to do it all with balance. Here's one more opportunity for us all... to be willing to do great things for other people, to make ourselves better spiritual channels from which others learn & grow, and to do all of this with a sound mind, body, & spirit. Thanks for blogging in .. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Don't Be So Hard On Yourself - Self Forgiveness
June 15. I am officially off to a good week, monday was good, but today was a great big FAT TUESDAY in my life. I experienced so much by doing so little, but what I did do was & felt right. I spent the morning talking to my sisters online, I hadn't slept the course of the night because I am off on my sleeping pattern again. That is something I can work around though thankfully my higher power has me in a position to be flexible at the current time in my life. With so much activity in my life during the evenings its hard to wind down until very late anyway. So I engaged in some good solid conversation with both of my sisters via the internet. It seems my attempts to be a more active part of their life is working & we are all benefiting from eachother's insight. I later got some sleep then a shower & dinner with mom & dad, because dad got home early for a change. I was on my way to get coffee & go to the normal Tuesday night meeting I attend when I got a txt message from a sober friend. "Your chairing the beginners meeting with Kathy tonight". Well I didn't mind, but it proved to be all for a reason, as everything happens for a reason afterall.
The meeting was a strong one, the topic was emotional & had moments of despair in the voices of the young people sharing. A girl was beating herself up over her reckless abandon during her addiction while her mother lay dying in the hospital. In tears & lost she concluded & I shared some things my sponsor had taught me to help. After a group of others helped get out bottled up guilt & regret, everyone felt better at the end of the meeting thanks to the wise & helpful words of many. Those who were sad of loss, including myself, were smiling & socializing instead of running to their cars to pout in self hate & pity. The program was working its miracles in front of us all & some of us didn't even realize it. There is something I wanted to share as sort of a topic tonight, it is exactly what I shared with that girl who was filled with self dislike for her actions during her mother's death.
"Don't Be So Hard On Yourself", I said. My sponsor is always relaying that message to me & helping me apply it to my life at the times I need it most. Sometimes we need to cut ourselves some slack. There is an explination for the mistakes & shortcomings we have committed in the past. That is the fact that we are alcoholics & were much more spiritually sick during the time those acts were committed than we are now in all of our pain & regret. We are feeling this hurt & placing this blame on ourselves because we are getting better spiritually, mentally, and physically. We are opening up to the reality of the impact of our disease when we allow it to be active in our lives. All of this is enough to crush a person, more still, make the sometimes return to the drugs or drink. The pain is all but bearable until finally, someone reminds us "Don't Be So Hard On Yourself, Don't Beat Yourself Up." What WAS done is a result of your alcoholism being untreated & was caused by your disease running your life. What IS done today is not the same, the person we can be today does or would not do those things & if we would.. then we are not getting well.
That same explination for why some of the most heartless & bad behaviors we exhibited during our active addicitons, also has another purpose than being an explination. Many would assume that because that they are alcoholic & made alcoholic mistakes in the past, that it is a pass for them to continue to do so. It IS NOT though. The acceptance of one's disease & assuming the responsibility of a sober & spiritual path immediately turns the actions of alcoholism from an excuse to a mere explination. We are finally accountable for ourselves at this point. At the point we feel this pain & realize the impact of our alcoholic & addicted ways, we must cease to romance them or participate in them. Talking about it helps. I want to urge anyone who has suffered a spiritual disease or spiritual bankruptcy in their life to "Give Yourself A Break!". You were sick, very sick. So ill that you did yourself & others harm that you love without conscience or sometimes even thought. Out of pure survival & instict mistakes were made that can never be undone, but can be assuredly never committed again so long as we stay on our spiritual path. Please, don't be so hard on yourself. You will be forgiven by your higher power, so forgive yourself. GIVE IT TIME. And feel your feelings until they change through practicing these principles. You know now what difference you can make today, do not hold yourself in a prison of guilt for the past that you had no control of. The disease was in control & you can make sure it is never in that position of power over you again, through the 12 steps & involvement in the solution. I pray for all who suffer still, those sober & not yet, there IS A SOLUTION. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
The meeting was a strong one, the topic was emotional & had moments of despair in the voices of the young people sharing. A girl was beating herself up over her reckless abandon during her addiction while her mother lay dying in the hospital. In tears & lost she concluded & I shared some things my sponsor had taught me to help. After a group of others helped get out bottled up guilt & regret, everyone felt better at the end of the meeting thanks to the wise & helpful words of many. Those who were sad of loss, including myself, were smiling & socializing instead of running to their cars to pout in self hate & pity. The program was working its miracles in front of us all & some of us didn't even realize it. There is something I wanted to share as sort of a topic tonight, it is exactly what I shared with that girl who was filled with self dislike for her actions during her mother's death.
"Don't Be So Hard On Yourself", I said. My sponsor is always relaying that message to me & helping me apply it to my life at the times I need it most. Sometimes we need to cut ourselves some slack. There is an explination for the mistakes & shortcomings we have committed in the past. That is the fact that we are alcoholics & were much more spiritually sick during the time those acts were committed than we are now in all of our pain & regret. We are feeling this hurt & placing this blame on ourselves because we are getting better spiritually, mentally, and physically. We are opening up to the reality of the impact of our disease when we allow it to be active in our lives. All of this is enough to crush a person, more still, make the sometimes return to the drugs or drink. The pain is all but bearable until finally, someone reminds us "Don't Be So Hard On Yourself, Don't Beat Yourself Up." What WAS done is a result of your alcoholism being untreated & was caused by your disease running your life. What IS done today is not the same, the person we can be today does or would not do those things & if we would.. then we are not getting well.
That same explination for why some of the most heartless & bad behaviors we exhibited during our active addicitons, also has another purpose than being an explination. Many would assume that because that they are alcoholic & made alcoholic mistakes in the past, that it is a pass for them to continue to do so. It IS NOT though. The acceptance of one's disease & assuming the responsibility of a sober & spiritual path immediately turns the actions of alcoholism from an excuse to a mere explination. We are finally accountable for ourselves at this point. At the point we feel this pain & realize the impact of our alcoholic & addicted ways, we must cease to romance them or participate in them. Talking about it helps. I want to urge anyone who has suffered a spiritual disease or spiritual bankruptcy in their life to "Give Yourself A Break!". You were sick, very sick. So ill that you did yourself & others harm that you love without conscience or sometimes even thought. Out of pure survival & instict mistakes were made that can never be undone, but can be assuredly never committed again so long as we stay on our spiritual path. Please, don't be so hard on yourself. You will be forgiven by your higher power, so forgive yourself. GIVE IT TIME. And feel your feelings until they change through practicing these principles. You know now what difference you can make today, do not hold yourself in a prison of guilt for the past that you had no control of. The disease was in control & you can make sure it is never in that position of power over you again, through the 12 steps & involvement in the solution. I pray for all who suffer still, those sober & not yet, there IS A SOLUTION. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Monday, June 14, 2010
Truth & Honesty - Standing Up Spiritually
June 14. Hey everyone, hope your day was awesome. It was a good start to my week for the most part, monday is monday usually. I have been trapped in thought since last night about spiritual beliefs. Not my own, but others (some in high offices in government) that lie about their belief system, faith, & spiritual beliefs. I believe that a person needs not only honesty & truth, but passion for their beliefs. If they do not have that passion, they are not worth putting in an office to lead or oversee people. Those beliefs are something to stand up for, and tell where someone intends to lead the mass they are in charge of overseeing or directing. I personally have a faith & spiritual belief that I am passionate about. I do not specify what it is or jam it down anyone's throat on here, because being spiritual & the importance of a higher power is my objective here. If asked by anyone what my beliefs are, I will honestly & with passion explain that privately to them. If asked by the media (which I am not famous so that will not happen) I would be equally as honest & passionate there, regaurdless of the chance that it may affect an office I hold or am running for, or may people not like or support me.
You have to stand for something, or you will fall for anything. Spirituality & a higher power is what has not only saved, but shaped my life & its future. I can die tomorrow with a good feeling about where I am at in my spiritual life, although I wish to live longer to make it even better & share it with others who wish to hear it. The specifics are only important to someone who wants something to believe in & likes what I stand for as a person, at that point they might be willing to look at or adopt the beliefs I have, which are the same as many other great people in this world & history. The bottom line is though, BEING HONEST MATTERS. Truth is a way of spiritual light. We should not lie & say we are not alcoholic if we are. We should not say we are of one religious faith if we are truly rooted & convicted by another, just because its what will get us the popularity of people, power, or other incentives. Even at the risk of global disaster, the truth is far more important than deception, dishonesty, or what a person actually believes itself. That truth should be the fundamental basis of their spirituality & faith, in other words, they believe their faith to be the truth & are honest about what they are because of it.
I cannot tell a person what to believe, or make a specific faith look more attractive than another. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder afterall. But what I can do is always be honest, by example hopefully influencing others to stand up for what they believe. I know that persons of power & political ranking will never be influenced to be honest just because I am, but those people are probably untouchable by anyone in regaurds to spirituality because they most times are not humble. Those who are however make excellent leaders & use honesty & the truth as a way of winning their political battles. This all affects my sobriety directly, spirituality is the main component of what keeps me sober today. If I were to lie about my beliefs, I would not even be spiritual. If I were to play persons to be liked, in the end I will do no good for anyone, I must be liked for myself in truth & honestly who I am.
I didn't want to get overly involved with this topic because I am really strongly bothered by a specific instance of lies about one's beliefs, but I felt it necessary to talk about. We all must be sure of our beleifs to grow spiritually, whatever your beliefs are, be passionate. Be Honest. Be yourself & let people have the option to like or avoid you for who you are. Many people opt not to associate with me because I am sober & they are not. That is their choice & they know me for who I truly am & what I really believe to make that decision about me. Just like many people did not associate with me when I sold & used drugs, bought & abused alcohol. Those people did not want those things in or near their lives & in shame or out of selfish need for gains I lied about my being alcoholic/addicted. The same shame & selfishness causes persons to lie about their faith, beliefs, and spiritual lives. Because they want to fit in, they want a job or office, or their safety is threatened. My safety is second, my job can be replaced, and the only people I wish to lead are those wishing to follow, I WILL NEVER again represent myself falsely in faith or for what I am as I did in addiction. Today my spiritual motivation prohibits it. I will live & die as a spiritual person with my personal faith, which has given me the gift of life when I was all but dead. It has given me a higher power that is all too present in my life every second, more apparent sometimes than others. Those who cannot be honest lack what it takes to truly be spiritual or be sober, they are cowards. I have the right to say that, because I was one for over a decade. Thanks for listening, stay spiritual. Good Night... Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
You have to stand for something, or you will fall for anything. Spirituality & a higher power is what has not only saved, but shaped my life & its future. I can die tomorrow with a good feeling about where I am at in my spiritual life, although I wish to live longer to make it even better & share it with others who wish to hear it. The specifics are only important to someone who wants something to believe in & likes what I stand for as a person, at that point they might be willing to look at or adopt the beliefs I have, which are the same as many other great people in this world & history. The bottom line is though, BEING HONEST MATTERS. Truth is a way of spiritual light. We should not lie & say we are not alcoholic if we are. We should not say we are of one religious faith if we are truly rooted & convicted by another, just because its what will get us the popularity of people, power, or other incentives. Even at the risk of global disaster, the truth is far more important than deception, dishonesty, or what a person actually believes itself. That truth should be the fundamental basis of their spirituality & faith, in other words, they believe their faith to be the truth & are honest about what they are because of it.
I cannot tell a person what to believe, or make a specific faith look more attractive than another. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder afterall. But what I can do is always be honest, by example hopefully influencing others to stand up for what they believe. I know that persons of power & political ranking will never be influenced to be honest just because I am, but those people are probably untouchable by anyone in regaurds to spirituality because they most times are not humble. Those who are however make excellent leaders & use honesty & the truth as a way of winning their political battles. This all affects my sobriety directly, spirituality is the main component of what keeps me sober today. If I were to lie about my beliefs, I would not even be spiritual. If I were to play persons to be liked, in the end I will do no good for anyone, I must be liked for myself in truth & honestly who I am.
I didn't want to get overly involved with this topic because I am really strongly bothered by a specific instance of lies about one's beliefs, but I felt it necessary to talk about. We all must be sure of our beleifs to grow spiritually, whatever your beliefs are, be passionate. Be Honest. Be yourself & let people have the option to like or avoid you for who you are. Many people opt not to associate with me because I am sober & they are not. That is their choice & they know me for who I truly am & what I really believe to make that decision about me. Just like many people did not associate with me when I sold & used drugs, bought & abused alcohol. Those people did not want those things in or near their lives & in shame or out of selfish need for gains I lied about my being alcoholic/addicted. The same shame & selfishness causes persons to lie about their faith, beliefs, and spiritual lives. Because they want to fit in, they want a job or office, or their safety is threatened. My safety is second, my job can be replaced, and the only people I wish to lead are those wishing to follow, I WILL NEVER again represent myself falsely in faith or for what I am as I did in addiction. Today my spiritual motivation prohibits it. I will live & die as a spiritual person with my personal faith, which has given me the gift of life when I was all but dead. It has given me a higher power that is all too present in my life every second, more apparent sometimes than others. Those who cannot be honest lack what it takes to truly be spiritual or be sober, they are cowards. I have the right to say that, because I was one for over a decade. Thanks for listening, stay spiritual. Good Night... Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Thinking Positive - More Will Be Revealed
June 13. It's Sunday officially on the east coast & another day for me to learn something to grow from, one day at a time. Today was, like all weekends, a busy day for me. I ran my shop for the day & got out to go visit with some friends. It's great when you get to surround yourself by like minded people, it gives me the opportunity to check the condition my spiritual condition actually is in. By night time I stopped at an ice cream shop near my hometown to meet up with one more friend I haven't seen in a while. It was great to see that they were doing well & had removed alot of the stress in their life since we last spoke. My parents were out traveling to visit family so I only spoke to them by phone call, but a thought came to mind after I hung up with them. In the past, even in my first months of sobriety let alone my addiction, I could not trust myself to be left responsible with anyone else's home or things, let alone my own on top of it. The miracle of change is more evident than ever & it goes to show that life in a positive direction can re-establish so much trust, love, & capability.. perhaps more than it ever was before.
See before my recovery I did not have a devotion to a spiritual, sober, and positive way of thinking, living, and interacting with others. It all truly has to do with the 12 Steps & my higher power in my life, but in between the gaps, every second the clock ticks, there is something else at hand in my mind going on. Its the power of positive thinking, that all things will work out & what's happening is all for a reason. That reason I may never understand in some situations, but sometimes I do. It's promised in the fellowship that more will be revealed to us as we grow spiritually, and it truly is. So much has come to light that I would have never understood before, some assumed curses has proven to bring great things into my life as a result.
Some people cannot think this way, it's not a gift to see things positively, but it has to be a desired way of thought. If your relatively happy with your life without seeing this positive spin on all things, then you may never get to experience the blessing of seeing things with this perspective. I found that out for myself, my nearly decade & a half struggle with drugs & alcohol had made me unhappy & spiritually broken enough to seek out a new way of life. I found out to get that later, through the help of many other alcoholics & addicts, that if I wanted to change my living I had to change my "THINKING" first. Alcoholism & addiction is a thinking, spiritual, and physical disease so to change one I had to change all parts of it. The drugs & drink were only symptoms of the disease, not the actual cause, myself & my thinking were that cause. Today it feels great to have the miracle of sobriety in my life, so great that its hard not to have & share the positive perspective I have on all things. This doesn't mean I don't get sad, upset, or hurt when something seemingly bad happens to people in my life or to me, I do at times but with the understanding that more will be revealed. Most often something that helps me or others grow in some way. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
See before my recovery I did not have a devotion to a spiritual, sober, and positive way of thinking, living, and interacting with others. It all truly has to do with the 12 Steps & my higher power in my life, but in between the gaps, every second the clock ticks, there is something else at hand in my mind going on. Its the power of positive thinking, that all things will work out & what's happening is all for a reason. That reason I may never understand in some situations, but sometimes I do. It's promised in the fellowship that more will be revealed to us as we grow spiritually, and it truly is. So much has come to light that I would have never understood before, some assumed curses has proven to bring great things into my life as a result.
Some people cannot think this way, it's not a gift to see things positively, but it has to be a desired way of thought. If your relatively happy with your life without seeing this positive spin on all things, then you may never get to experience the blessing of seeing things with this perspective. I found that out for myself, my nearly decade & a half struggle with drugs & alcohol had made me unhappy & spiritually broken enough to seek out a new way of life. I found out to get that later, through the help of many other alcoholics & addicts, that if I wanted to change my living I had to change my "THINKING" first. Alcoholism & addiction is a thinking, spiritual, and physical disease so to change one I had to change all parts of it. The drugs & drink were only symptoms of the disease, not the actual cause, myself & my thinking were that cause. Today it feels great to have the miracle of sobriety in my life, so great that its hard not to have & share the positive perspective I have on all things. This doesn't mean I don't get sad, upset, or hurt when something seemingly bad happens to people in my life or to me, I do at times but with the understanding that more will be revealed. Most often something that helps me or others grow in some way. Thanks for blogging in. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Starting Over - Back In The Spirit
June 12. Hello again everyone, Saturday has just crept in as Friday came to an end a few minutes ago. Today wasn't so bad, in fact it was just fine. I started my morning off meeting my cousin to check out a new game room opening, then back home to hang out with mom. I kept myself busy all day but really got nothing done, which is just fine sometimes, to be honest just staying on track sometimes is hard enough. Before I knew it dad called & it was time once again for our weekend dinner out together. They are going on a little trip & so there was a few things to discuss over dinner as well as the usual enjoyment of eachother's company. Afterwards I headed out to the store to pick up cookies & cream, then off to set up for the meeting I was to be the chairman at. The meeting kicked off & it was one of the largest yet for this group, that I've been at anyway. Only at a celebration meeting, have I seen more people there. The topic was surrender & it was a lesson I always need reminding of.
Although it was a great topic, surrender is not something I want to shine a light on tonight. Maybe it will tie in somehow, but not intentionally. Before the meeting when I set up, I had placed Big Books & 12 X 12 books all around the tables as refference for others to use if they wished. An old timer who has been sober much longer than me had said it was not part of the group conscience to do that. Basically he was asking that I not change the way the group does things without asking them first & taking it to a vote. At first I felt a resentment, afterall the books save lives, but then I got to thinking. The meeting tonight was a closed discussion meeting. For any alcoholic who wanted to share about a topic or problem with the rest & all to have an opportunity to share their own message in return. The books had no significance. They did not need to be there. Only because "I" chose to put them out, did it bother me that someone more seasonsed did not want them there this particular evening. This translates to selfishness.
My own selfish ego, honor, pride and all that goes with it was hurt, because a choice I made was not favored by another. A choice that had no significance whatsoever to either of us personally, but to the group conscience that does not call for this particular layout I had mimiced from another meeting. So in the end, the group was right & so was this other man for sticking up for what it calls for. It would have been a shame for someone to be stuck in thought reading the book, when something that they could relate to or learn may be missed. That something could potentially save their life, attract them to the solution, or prompt them to get their own troubles out on the table. For once I was able to handle a resentment without having to take it to the individual I had it with. In sober & spritiual ways I have grown some evidently, because my alcoholic mind would formerly put up a fight of some sort or still felt ill of the man.
It's amazing how when we are working in the world of the spirit & self change, how we can look at someone our mind labels as an enemy at one point & later see them as the proper and admirable crusader that we would like to be ourselves. I started my day over after that realization, just minutes before the meeting started & I was to chair it. I let go, letting my higher power take care of the rest & put my best into that meeting. It turned out a success, a wonderful message & warm glow the whole hour. None of this was possible before, when resentments ruled me along side of fear & selfishness. There is no cause so great as the one that is right, and what is right can only be seen through spiritual means. I am ever grateful for my higher power granting me the ability today to "Start Over" when something is not right. I would not start over to change my past, it's what made me who I am today, but I can start over the rest of my time here whenever I wish... try it sometime. You might find a bad situation become the best of times. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Although it was a great topic, surrender is not something I want to shine a light on tonight. Maybe it will tie in somehow, but not intentionally. Before the meeting when I set up, I had placed Big Books & 12 X 12 books all around the tables as refference for others to use if they wished. An old timer who has been sober much longer than me had said it was not part of the group conscience to do that. Basically he was asking that I not change the way the group does things without asking them first & taking it to a vote. At first I felt a resentment, afterall the books save lives, but then I got to thinking. The meeting tonight was a closed discussion meeting. For any alcoholic who wanted to share about a topic or problem with the rest & all to have an opportunity to share their own message in return. The books had no significance. They did not need to be there. Only because "I" chose to put them out, did it bother me that someone more seasonsed did not want them there this particular evening. This translates to selfishness.
My own selfish ego, honor, pride and all that goes with it was hurt, because a choice I made was not favored by another. A choice that had no significance whatsoever to either of us personally, but to the group conscience that does not call for this particular layout I had mimiced from another meeting. So in the end, the group was right & so was this other man for sticking up for what it calls for. It would have been a shame for someone to be stuck in thought reading the book, when something that they could relate to or learn may be missed. That something could potentially save their life, attract them to the solution, or prompt them to get their own troubles out on the table. For once I was able to handle a resentment without having to take it to the individual I had it with. In sober & spritiual ways I have grown some evidently, because my alcoholic mind would formerly put up a fight of some sort or still felt ill of the man.
It's amazing how when we are working in the world of the spirit & self change, how we can look at someone our mind labels as an enemy at one point & later see them as the proper and admirable crusader that we would like to be ourselves. I started my day over after that realization, just minutes before the meeting started & I was to chair it. I let go, letting my higher power take care of the rest & put my best into that meeting. It turned out a success, a wonderful message & warm glow the whole hour. None of this was possible before, when resentments ruled me along side of fear & selfishness. There is no cause so great as the one that is right, and what is right can only be seen through spiritual means. I am ever grateful for my higher power granting me the ability today to "Start Over" when something is not right. I would not start over to change my past, it's what made me who I am today, but I can start over the rest of my time here whenever I wish... try it sometime. You might find a bad situation become the best of times. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Thursday, June 10, 2010
The Winds Of Change
June 10. Thirsty thursday is almost over & I managed not to give my alcoholism the drink it wants. Another thing it wants is for me to be dead, with the grace of my higher power it has not gotten that either. The highest tribute I can pay to it for the miracles in my life today is to die sober & join my higher power one day a free spirit. All that aside today was good. I had some bad dreams in the early morning & evidently my father calmed me some because he was up for work. I caught up on some sleep & in the afternoon got changed & went out with a friend for a while. We headed back home at 7 & I went to my usual meeting in hamlin, a great message & a great group of people as always were there. I came home to my father doing something above & beyond what most would see necessary in terms of helping his recovering son. For that all I am ever grateful for he & my mother being in my life, another way my higher power is working through people around me.. by giving me them.
The meetings topic tonight was "Change". The song 'Winds of Change" came to my mind, that serene whistling part between verses was always calming to me when I heard it. Then I thought about not the wind, but a gentle breeze. I got deep & considered my life up to this point, all the tests & trials. All the times when I was at my end for something to pull through & save me.. carried perhaps by the winds of change. Picture a hot day, say 100 degrees. Your outside working, maybe walking a far distance. On the verge of heat stroke or worse all of a sudden as an act of nature or perhaps our higher power, just in time a gentle breeze blows through. We are able to go on, relieved of the overpowering heat. That is alot like my life, things were getting hot & I was about to die, be it overdose or organ failure was a potential option as well back then. When I stopped to figure out how I could get out of this heat, my higher power sent that breeze, the winds of change to enter my life.
I have certainly changed, it was my only way to survive my disease. I tried for 14 years to change so much, all so that I could go on with the rest of my life in peace & happiness. I could not though. Nothing I tried or could think of would work. That is why I had to change everything, most importantly myself but also people, places, things, and the way I think. I had to use someone else's way of doing things, adpot it as my own & change in order to break free from my alcoholic mind that was taking me to a certain death. Doing it my way was broken, so it REQUIRED change. I had to model these changes after those who were successfully sober around me, those that would teach & share these changes with me.
In the end I have come a long way, all thanks to changes. Change is something that must be constant in my life, because I am not yet close to the person I wish to be. That's not to say that I am not a good person, I will let others be the judge of that for themselves, but I want to be better & better. So long as I continue to thrive off of change for the better, falling short still takes me inches closer to the person I wish to be. That person lives of spiritual means, to grow & help others, taking only for themselves the happiness given off by others & most of all sober & strong. I have an enemy within myself, an alcoholic of old that is cunning, baffling, & powerful. To change who is in control I must be able & willing to borrow the strength, tools, and ultimately the power from others who have it. My higher power, family, sponsor, support group, all my real friends, and all whom I have or will love in my lifetime.. I thank you for getting me this far, one more day sober, through each change may we get closer to our goals together. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
The meetings topic tonight was "Change". The song 'Winds of Change" came to my mind, that serene whistling part between verses was always calming to me when I heard it. Then I thought about not the wind, but a gentle breeze. I got deep & considered my life up to this point, all the tests & trials. All the times when I was at my end for something to pull through & save me.. carried perhaps by the winds of change. Picture a hot day, say 100 degrees. Your outside working, maybe walking a far distance. On the verge of heat stroke or worse all of a sudden as an act of nature or perhaps our higher power, just in time a gentle breeze blows through. We are able to go on, relieved of the overpowering heat. That is alot like my life, things were getting hot & I was about to die, be it overdose or organ failure was a potential option as well back then. When I stopped to figure out how I could get out of this heat, my higher power sent that breeze, the winds of change to enter my life.
I have certainly changed, it was my only way to survive my disease. I tried for 14 years to change so much, all so that I could go on with the rest of my life in peace & happiness. I could not though. Nothing I tried or could think of would work. That is why I had to change everything, most importantly myself but also people, places, things, and the way I think. I had to use someone else's way of doing things, adpot it as my own & change in order to break free from my alcoholic mind that was taking me to a certain death. Doing it my way was broken, so it REQUIRED change. I had to model these changes after those who were successfully sober around me, those that would teach & share these changes with me.
In the end I have come a long way, all thanks to changes. Change is something that must be constant in my life, because I am not yet close to the person I wish to be. That's not to say that I am not a good person, I will let others be the judge of that for themselves, but I want to be better & better. So long as I continue to thrive off of change for the better, falling short still takes me inches closer to the person I wish to be. That person lives of spiritual means, to grow & help others, taking only for themselves the happiness given off by others & most of all sober & strong. I have an enemy within myself, an alcoholic of old that is cunning, baffling, & powerful. To change who is in control I must be able & willing to borrow the strength, tools, and ultimately the power from others who have it. My higher power, family, sponsor, support group, all my real friends, and all whom I have or will love in my lifetime.. I thank you for getting me this far, one more day sober, through each change may we get closer to our goals together. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Once Blurred, Now Focused - A Pair Of Glasses
June 09. We made it through wednesday, another day sober, spiritual, and doing our best. I hope that statement is as true for you all as it is for me. I made a discovery in my thinking today that I would like to share. It's more of a recognition of a "similarity" between my life & something else. First though I want to speak about my day. I started off early this morning, set off to enjoy my day after the sun came up & find a spiritual outlet. Accomplishing that didn't come easy at first. I got to spend the morning with people close to me & also got the honor of doing someone a favor that would never be possible without my being sober. Let's just say I helped someone in need, the specifics would be gloating & I am trying to remain humble about it. After the morning out I came home to relax & get out of the cold rainy day. I caught up on the season finale of my favorite tv show, Glee on Fox, and kept warm under a blanket. A few hours later I took an hour nap before dinner, fixing my cousin's computer, and heading out to a meeting.
The meeting was small, but the topic was big. At least for me it was. After thinking for quite some time about it & a conversatioin with my sponsor, a comparison of my life right now to something else amazing clicked in my head. Perhaps it was a spiritual recognition of sorts to exactly what miracles are occuring in my life today. Cutting to the chase, this thought came to mind. For 14 years I lived in active addicition, out of touch & focus with all things that normal people take for granted. Things like a favorite tv show, the beauty of nature, the warm feeling of a friend, the list of things that were oblivious to me goes on. All of these things were a blur, fuzzy pictures & out of focus for so long. Not immediately upon getting sober, but slowly & through compounding changes & efforts as well as my higher power's grace.. something occured. Before I say what, I want to go back to a story from my childhood.
I was a young boy in elementary school, sitting in a 2nd grade classroom, struggling to see what everyone else in life could so freely see... the chalk board, the room around me, the grass outside the windows, life in general as it pertains to visual means. We hadn't know it, because I was never used to seeing clearly, but I needed glasses. I could not see farther than a few feet in front of me, much like in my addiction, I could not see much or perhaps anything at all around me in the world. I don't mean in a optical sense, because that year in 2nd grade I got glasses. When I put them on I could suddenly read billboards, see the shape of clouds, copy notes from the chalkboard & see how pretty a girl looked with her sunday best on. In my addiction I could see visual things, but not spiritual or life enriching things. It was as though life itself was blurry & I was only getting bits & pieces, a fuzzy outlined shape of a clear picture. Sobriety has done for me the same amazing, colorful, and vital change that glasses did as a child. Only now I can see life's great things, those things worth cherishing & thanking my higher power for. Gratitude is something that is in focus with every once blurred spiritual event that used to pass by, now suddenly all so clear to me.
This comparison was not only made by me, some of the earliest members of AA wrote about it, but I never understood what was being spoken of until experiencing it for myself. I have a new set of glasses today, ones in which I can see the world for all it is & in all of its beautiful color & shape. I cannot imagine how I made it so far without creating means to end my miserable existance before, because going back there is not an option after experiencing life in this new focus. I must remain humble, teachable, and grateful one day at a time. To see things in the light of the spirit I must keep on my glasses that are sober & spiritual principles in my life & I must constantly get check ups to see if I need a stronger lens. By that I mean I must be willing to live open to others who have done what I have not yet been able to & that is experience on more day sober, alive, and well on this earth. And may all you be well enough one day to find your own glasses. Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
The meeting was small, but the topic was big. At least for me it was. After thinking for quite some time about it & a conversatioin with my sponsor, a comparison of my life right now to something else amazing clicked in my head. Perhaps it was a spiritual recognition of sorts to exactly what miracles are occuring in my life today. Cutting to the chase, this thought came to mind. For 14 years I lived in active addicition, out of touch & focus with all things that normal people take for granted. Things like a favorite tv show, the beauty of nature, the warm feeling of a friend, the list of things that were oblivious to me goes on. All of these things were a blur, fuzzy pictures & out of focus for so long. Not immediately upon getting sober, but slowly & through compounding changes & efforts as well as my higher power's grace.. something occured. Before I say what, I want to go back to a story from my childhood.
I was a young boy in elementary school, sitting in a 2nd grade classroom, struggling to see what everyone else in life could so freely see... the chalk board, the room around me, the grass outside the windows, life in general as it pertains to visual means. We hadn't know it, because I was never used to seeing clearly, but I needed glasses. I could not see farther than a few feet in front of me, much like in my addiction, I could not see much or perhaps anything at all around me in the world. I don't mean in a optical sense, because that year in 2nd grade I got glasses. When I put them on I could suddenly read billboards, see the shape of clouds, copy notes from the chalkboard & see how pretty a girl looked with her sunday best on. In my addiction I could see visual things, but not spiritual or life enriching things. It was as though life itself was blurry & I was only getting bits & pieces, a fuzzy outlined shape of a clear picture. Sobriety has done for me the same amazing, colorful, and vital change that glasses did as a child. Only now I can see life's great things, those things worth cherishing & thanking my higher power for. Gratitude is something that is in focus with every once blurred spiritual event that used to pass by, now suddenly all so clear to me.
This comparison was not only made by me, some of the earliest members of AA wrote about it, but I never understood what was being spoken of until experiencing it for myself. I have a new set of glasses today, ones in which I can see the world for all it is & in all of its beautiful color & shape. I cannot imagine how I made it so far without creating means to end my miserable existance before, because going back there is not an option after experiencing life in this new focus. I must remain humble, teachable, and grateful one day at a time. To see things in the light of the spirit I must keep on my glasses that are sober & spiritual principles in my life & I must constantly get check ups to see if I need a stronger lens. By that I mean I must be willing to live open to others who have done what I have not yet been able to & that is experience on more day sober, alive, and well on this earth. And may all you be well enough one day to find your own glasses. Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Inner Peace - The Search For Serenity
June 08. Hey guys & girls, Tuesday is coming to an end & another 24 hours sober is accumulating in my life. When you stop counting days & start living in today, just staying sober one day at a time & growing spiritually one step at a time, life starts to become more peaceful. I was up early from lack of sleep & a few bad dreams, so I decided to stay up until mom left to follow her for the weekly gas fill-up. She headed off for the day & I came back home to try & rest. I ended up turning on the tv (the satelite was broken this morning & I had to fix it at 7AM) to watch something as I settled in. I got into watching a program that I was very interested in & before I knew it I was awake another 4 hours. Finally I got to sleep & more dreams woke me up. Mom came home & I took another shot at a powernap, this time making it until dinner was ready. Shortly after it was time to clean up & head out to my usual meeting. I got there & a girl brought up a topic that I wanted to speak about tonight. Afterwards I spent an hour with a friend in the parking lot, sometimes the meeting after the meeting is the most spiritually rewarding. On this day it was both that were equally valuable to my sober & spiritual growth.
The topic at the meeting was obtaining your "Inner Peace" & how vital & easy it can be for lasting happiness in life. It talked about how peace is not simply quiet & calm times, but a state of existance that is assuring, relaxing, and enjoyable even in the most volitile environments. I immediately associated this concept with the Serenity Prayer & the entire concept of having serenity in my life. Its something that must be worked for & in many cases that I must let go of many things to achieve. The 12 Steps are helping me do that & most days at least for an hour I feel that sense of Serenity or Inner Peace in my life. I can only imagine that with more work & the application of further spiritual principles in all my affairs, that one day I will experience a solid & continuous presence of peace & serenity in my life. If I aim for that goal, I can only accomplish more & fall short a mostly happy man in life. Which would be miles above the bar I had set during active addiciton, which was to die a pathetic death to end my suffering.
"The Search For Serenity" is the bottom line, and it's also a book written by Presnall. The front cover of that book says 'A Helpful Guide For Anyone Seeking Peace of Mind In This Troubled World Of Tensions - Pressures - Fears'. I am not sure if a manual can describe all the methods for me being free of those gloom & doom parts of me, but it can certainly give me tools to work with my higher power to be rid of them eventually. I see so many who have completed the Steps & worked on themselves in a state of peace & serenity with themselves, their higher power, and the world around them. It is that exact state they live in that gives me hope that I too can achieve it. When I say the Serenity Prayer I daily ask my higher power to grant me Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom. All for the sake of being a better individual, not for selfish reasons, but to do it's work & help other human beings.
I believe that if my goal is Serenity, and it is granted in turn for being of service & help to others, than the way to get Peace in my life is to do just that.. help & serve others in a manner that my higher power would have me. I must turn my selfish ambitions & rampant will run wild over to my higher power, and take on it's will that is pure, calming, and peaceful. When I eliminate my self-seeking defects, all that exists is for others in this world, the more I can be without them, the more worldly & peaceful I can be. So the 12 Steps become ever more necessary in my life, because without them & my higher power I cannot be rid of all those bondages of self. So when we are looking for peace at the end of the day, let us all look to others for it, to look within ourself for happiness & serenity we will only find it when we are rid of self & truly doing our Higher Power's work for others. May your life be filled with Joy, Peace, & Serenity. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
The topic at the meeting was obtaining your "Inner Peace" & how vital & easy it can be for lasting happiness in life. It talked about how peace is not simply quiet & calm times, but a state of existance that is assuring, relaxing, and enjoyable even in the most volitile environments. I immediately associated this concept with the Serenity Prayer & the entire concept of having serenity in my life. Its something that must be worked for & in many cases that I must let go of many things to achieve. The 12 Steps are helping me do that & most days at least for an hour I feel that sense of Serenity or Inner Peace in my life. I can only imagine that with more work & the application of further spiritual principles in all my affairs, that one day I will experience a solid & continuous presence of peace & serenity in my life. If I aim for that goal, I can only accomplish more & fall short a mostly happy man in life. Which would be miles above the bar I had set during active addiciton, which was to die a pathetic death to end my suffering.
"The Search For Serenity" is the bottom line, and it's also a book written by Presnall. The front cover of that book says 'A Helpful Guide For Anyone Seeking Peace of Mind In This Troubled World Of Tensions - Pressures - Fears'. I am not sure if a manual can describe all the methods for me being free of those gloom & doom parts of me, but it can certainly give me tools to work with my higher power to be rid of them eventually. I see so many who have completed the Steps & worked on themselves in a state of peace & serenity with themselves, their higher power, and the world around them. It is that exact state they live in that gives me hope that I too can achieve it. When I say the Serenity Prayer I daily ask my higher power to grant me Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom. All for the sake of being a better individual, not for selfish reasons, but to do it's work & help other human beings.
I believe that if my goal is Serenity, and it is granted in turn for being of service & help to others, than the way to get Peace in my life is to do just that.. help & serve others in a manner that my higher power would have me. I must turn my selfish ambitions & rampant will run wild over to my higher power, and take on it's will that is pure, calming, and peaceful. When I eliminate my self-seeking defects, all that exists is for others in this world, the more I can be without them, the more worldly & peaceful I can be. So the 12 Steps become ever more necessary in my life, because without them & my higher power I cannot be rid of all those bondages of self. So when we are looking for peace at the end of the day, let us all look to others for it, to look within ourself for happiness & serenity we will only find it when we are rid of self & truly doing our Higher Power's work for others. May your life be filled with Joy, Peace, & Serenity. Good Night. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy
Monday, June 7, 2010
Family Recovery - We Don't Do This Alone
June 07. A happy & peaceful monday night to you all, friends! I hope the week started well for everyone. I couldn't have asked for a better day, any 24 hours that I live without a drink or a drug is far better than my best day high or drunk. I am glad that I can see that today without a shadow of any doubt. It was officially my nephew's 5th birthday today & since I could not make his party yesterday because of work, I took him & his sister out for ice cream before my meeting tonight. They both had a great time & I think I enjoyed it more than them. There is no pleasure better than bringing pleasure to others, except maybe when everyone is happy with the results. After a great visit with them & big hugs it was time to go. I got to the meeting at MARS Group & our normal friend who runs the group was late, so I took the reins & started the meeting. Midway through the introductory readings she arrived & it was business as usual for the remainder of the meeting. Alot of good topics & solutions were discussed, in the end an educating & enlightening meeting for us all.
After that I stopped to see my sponsor & a few friends, dropped a guy off who needed a ride, and came home to my parents watching a movie about the woman who started Al-Anon. Seeing them watching it was a beautiful sight, the more awareness & education they have about alcoholism & how far it really reaches is very important. The disease does not just afflict the alcoholic, but the families, friends, employers, and all who encounter them on all levels. Some of the damage can never be fixed, but those who are open to learn more can also learn spiritually how to be forgiving, understanding, and do alot less enabling should a person fall victim again. It's so important that there be people out there spreading the word, not only to alcoholics, but to family & friends as well. The solutions do not only work in addict's life, but in all people's lives who will recieve them.
I am forever grateful for the founders of the 12 Step fellowships, those who started Al-Anon & the road of recovery for family & friends of alcoholics, and any who share the message of hope & strength with others. Without them many would be hopeless, because truth is if we are not alcoholic ourselves we at least know a few who are. Without understanding of the disease & how it works we cannot learn to forgive them as they recover, nor how to stop enabling them if they do not. The insight from programs that help families & friends have saved people from divorce, abuse, and from spiritual blockages in their life. It can change the whole perspective of things, almost opening the door to another dimension of understanding. How would it feel if we went through this world being understood by no one, but having no one else in advocacy of our situation, our composition, of anything that makes us who we are or were. We would have no reason for our poorest actions & no purpose for our best ones.
In recovery I have come to identify many in my life who are spiritually sick, alcoholic, co-dependant, or bear some form of spiritual hardships that make them less of the person they could, should, and want to be. It is through the many who carry the message to not only the sick & suffering but the family, friends, and others afflicted that make it possible to understand & heal along side the one's absorbed. So much clicks in my mind having an understanding of the why, how, and such causes for so many mistakes that not only I myself, but others have made in spiritual bankrupted moments in my life & theirs. I am so much happier today living sober & spiritual & so many others can be too. If we are willing to learn, accept, and apply spiritual principles as well as the lessons of truth about alcohlism & other spiritual diseases we can be happier than ever before with less than we've ever had. From the kitchens & living rooms of the homes of other addicts & alcoholics to the ears and eyes of the whole world.. carry that message with you to others. You never know who's life you may change for the better. Thanks. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
After that I stopped to see my sponsor & a few friends, dropped a guy off who needed a ride, and came home to my parents watching a movie about the woman who started Al-Anon. Seeing them watching it was a beautiful sight, the more awareness & education they have about alcoholism & how far it really reaches is very important. The disease does not just afflict the alcoholic, but the families, friends, employers, and all who encounter them on all levels. Some of the damage can never be fixed, but those who are open to learn more can also learn spiritually how to be forgiving, understanding, and do alot less enabling should a person fall victim again. It's so important that there be people out there spreading the word, not only to alcoholics, but to family & friends as well. The solutions do not only work in addict's life, but in all people's lives who will recieve them.
I am forever grateful for the founders of the 12 Step fellowships, those who started Al-Anon & the road of recovery for family & friends of alcoholics, and any who share the message of hope & strength with others. Without them many would be hopeless, because truth is if we are not alcoholic ourselves we at least know a few who are. Without understanding of the disease & how it works we cannot learn to forgive them as they recover, nor how to stop enabling them if they do not. The insight from programs that help families & friends have saved people from divorce, abuse, and from spiritual blockages in their life. It can change the whole perspective of things, almost opening the door to another dimension of understanding. How would it feel if we went through this world being understood by no one, but having no one else in advocacy of our situation, our composition, of anything that makes us who we are or were. We would have no reason for our poorest actions & no purpose for our best ones.
In recovery I have come to identify many in my life who are spiritually sick, alcoholic, co-dependant, or bear some form of spiritual hardships that make them less of the person they could, should, and want to be. It is through the many who carry the message to not only the sick & suffering but the family, friends, and others afflicted that make it possible to understand & heal along side the one's absorbed. So much clicks in my mind having an understanding of the why, how, and such causes for so many mistakes that not only I myself, but others have made in spiritual bankrupted moments in my life & theirs. I am so much happier today living sober & spiritual & so many others can be too. If we are willing to learn, accept, and apply spiritual principles as well as the lessons of truth about alcohlism & other spiritual diseases we can be happier than ever before with less than we've ever had. From the kitchens & living rooms of the homes of other addicts & alcoholics to the ears and eyes of the whole world.. carry that message with you to others. You never know who's life you may change for the better. Thanks. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Do Right - By Any & All?
June 06. Well friends my long weekend is over & it wasn't all that bad, I hope yours was good too. Business was steady but of course some expenses came up to dip into profits, but then again I have a goal of having "too much" merchandise for my available space. Until I reach that I am willing to sacrifice profits to keep adding more items. The new displays were well recieved by all my customers & they simply looked beautiful. In alot of ways its whats been missing form the setup for a long time, but the opportunity to get them at the right price wasn't available until recently. I really have to thank my parents for making it all happen. They have been there to help me get my start in this, to help me break of from partners & go solo, and recently to help me take advantage of the hundreds of dollars worth of displays for a fraction of the price. Without them I would really be struggling right now, who knows maybe I would not be where I am spiritually or mentally without their love & support in all I do. The reason I have that support in my life now that was missing in the past is because today I "Do Right By Any & All". That includes my higher power, friends, family, customers, and even complete strangers.
There was a time when I could not always "Do Right", I had been under the command of my deadly & debilitating alcoholism. It would cause me to do only for myself, or what I felt was right for myself. That most often would mean to take advantage of other people's time, money, and emotions so that I could get drunk or high and feed my growing addiction. I have stolen & justified it in my mind because the active craving in my body & mind said I "needed" it. I have lied to protect & keep secret my disease, like a person lies about someone they are dating to keep the relationship from being destroyed or damaged by others, we often see this in teenage relationships when parents say "you can't date her/him". I have cheated & broken every rule, pushed every boundry to the limit & even broke through many just to acquire what was necessary to feed my addiction, just to feel worth living for the few short moments or hours the intoxication lasted. All of the despicable things & more were done for the sake of my disease,the whole time an inner part of me wanted to do right & suffering as something & someone else ran the life I didn't know how to live.
Today put my best effort forward I work hard, through the principles in the 12 Steps & countless suggestions from spiritual people I admire. I will continue to take up this challenge of lasting change even when it comes as a struggle, for doing the right thing allows my conscience to rest completely. Although my mind may be put to the test to do what was abnormal for the past 14 years my heart & conscience instantly approve of the process. There is a satisfaction that only constant effort can produce when it comes to "Doing Right". It doesn't come the first time, or the hundreth time, but it comes & once it does it occurs all the time. The gratitude I have for my higher power not only because of it's helping me, but also showing me what it means to do right, is an immeasurable amount of gratitude. Its as immeasurable as my will today to do good in a world which I once took for granted in all aspects. So when we have the opportunity to "Do Right By Any & All" will we? Even if the promise of joy & gratitude is not fullfilled will we still blindly take on the task of doing good or will we represent selfishness & the likes of alcohlism, addiction, and exactly what is the wrong way to live. Thanks for bloggging in.. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
There was a time when I could not always "Do Right", I had been under the command of my deadly & debilitating alcoholism. It would cause me to do only for myself, or what I felt was right for myself. That most often would mean to take advantage of other people's time, money, and emotions so that I could get drunk or high and feed my growing addiction. I have stolen & justified it in my mind because the active craving in my body & mind said I "needed" it. I have lied to protect & keep secret my disease, like a person lies about someone they are dating to keep the relationship from being destroyed or damaged by others, we often see this in teenage relationships when parents say "you can't date her/him". I have cheated & broken every rule, pushed every boundry to the limit & even broke through many just to acquire what was necessary to feed my addiction, just to feel worth living for the few short moments or hours the intoxication lasted. All of the despicable things & more were done for the sake of my disease,the whole time an inner part of me wanted to do right & suffering as something & someone else ran the life I didn't know how to live.
Today put my best effort forward I work hard, through the principles in the 12 Steps & countless suggestions from spiritual people I admire. I will continue to take up this challenge of lasting change even when it comes as a struggle, for doing the right thing allows my conscience to rest completely. Although my mind may be put to the test to do what was abnormal for the past 14 years my heart & conscience instantly approve of the process. There is a satisfaction that only constant effort can produce when it comes to "Doing Right". It doesn't come the first time, or the hundreth time, but it comes & once it does it occurs all the time. The gratitude I have for my higher power not only because of it's helping me, but also showing me what it means to do right, is an immeasurable amount of gratitude. Its as immeasurable as my will today to do good in a world which I once took for granted in all aspects. So when we have the opportunity to "Do Right By Any & All" will we? Even if the promise of joy & gratitude is not fullfilled will we still blindly take on the task of doing good or will we represent selfishness & the likes of alcohlism, addiction, and exactly what is the wrong way to live. Thanks for bloggging in.. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
Saturday, June 5, 2010
June 05. Hey friends, its early Saturday morning & I have to go run my store in a few hours. That isn't stopping me though from logging in to share my spiritual experiences & trials for the day. I constantly find this outlet to be more than relief even after the longest days. Although I may not sleep much yet, I do sleep better knowing that I have put my journey down as words. I went out in the morning with my cousin then relaxed for about an hour before going to meet a friend for a deposit on merchandise. By the time I got back I had about another half hour before it was time for our typical friday dinner out with mom & dad. Although they botched the pizza tonight, which is unusual for the place, the time spent was still as great as ever. Afterwards I went to my home group meeting early, I was the chairman for the meeting & had to set up & make coffee etc. Some regular group members showed up & the task was made much simpler as they were eager to help. Service work is something that many of us, who are commited to sober & spiritual living, jump on in a heartbeat.
The meeting went on & we did a reading on the sixth tradition, which wasn't talked about much after because someone had a problem with "carrying the message" & how far of lengths one should go. I related to the topic because altough there are many I would like to help, I cannot do everything for most or mostly everything. In the end it matters how spiritually & mentally fed up a perosn must before they change or seek solutions, we simply cannot control that only guide it when willingness is shown. That however is not my main topic, I had been lost in thought from the middle of the topic discussion to the conclusion of the meeting. I had truly had be "shrunk" spiritually & in confidence of my capabilities toward helping another. Doubt & a mere mild form of contentment was all that seemed to rest on my shoulders, that was until I got outside myself & realized that I can do something about it, like I can all my other spiritual ailments.
So I had decided up on closing up the meeting & building we hold it in, I would go for a ride, my mission to sort through these feelings and accept their roots individually. I drove for a few hour exploring my mind, clustered with feelings of powerlessness over certain others I with to help. But there as also a glint of gratitdue for what I was able to accomplish through others just trying to help me. Ever convinced after a short time that it's not worrk tthing up at alom
The meeting went on & we did a reading on the sixth tradition, which wasn't talked about much after because someone had a problem with "carrying the message" & how far of lengths one should go. I related to the topic because altough there are many I would like to help, I cannot do everything for most or mostly everything. In the end it matters how spiritually & mentally fed up a perosn must before they change or seek solutions, we simply cannot control that only guide it when willingness is shown. That however is not my main topic, I had been lost in thought from the middle of the topic discussion to the conclusion of the meeting. I had truly had be "shrunk" spiritually & in confidence of my capabilities toward helping another. Doubt & a mere mild form of contentment was all that seemed to rest on my shoulders, that was until I got outside myself & realized that I can do something about it, like I can all my other spiritual ailments.
So I had decided up on closing up the meeting & building we hold it in, I would go for a ride, my mission to sort through these feelings and accept their roots individually. I drove for a few hour exploring my mind, clustered with feelings of powerlessness over certain others I with to help. But there as also a glint of gratitdue for what I was able to accomplish through others just trying to help me. Ever convinced after a short time that it's not worrk tthing up at alom
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Daily Reflection - Looking Back For The Right Reasons
June 03. Hey my friends hope you all had a peaceful & happy thursday. My day was just fine but I didn't feel great early in the morning hours. Since I lost sleep I later slept in, but around 5AM my Dad woke up for work. Upon investigation & hearing a noise he ran outside, only to find that the pump in the Coi Pond was blocked & had pumped all the water out overnight. To a sad discovery there lay the fish with their bodies exposed to the open night air, heads barely buried in an inch or two of water that was left. These fish are large, no huge fish, bigger than any I've caught in my years fishing. They are not only great pets & loved by all who see them, they are innocent animals that were caught in an unfortunate situation of mechanical failure. We immediately started putting water back in via the garden hose in hopes to save the poor creatures, one moved slightly & the rest seemed to be all but gone. I truly said a prayer, knowing how much my dad's heart would hurt & how devestated my mom would be after raising these from small babies. God must have heard my cries & answered, perhaps a thanks to the good things I've been doing lately, because the fish came out of their unconsious state & began to swim.
That was my morning, in the end the fish were fine & my prayers were answered. My mom upon waking up initially did not even know of the happening as my Dad & I took care of it as to not worry her prematurely. I slept in and later my nephew & niece showed up to be babysat. I was up & getting ready to shower as my mom was leaving to take them home, when I got out my dad was arriving & it was time to eat & leave for my meeting. I had forgotten that I wanted to be early to do some group Librarian work, but after a great meeting with a good speaker I eneded up staying late & getting it done anyway. So now I am home, reflecting on the day & a few important things I noticed about it. Everything that comes to mind tonight is a reminder for me of how it was & how much I've changed.
In those many years of addiction, I not only would not have rushed out to help my dad with the pond, I would not have really cared if the poor fish died. My mother's & father's feelins would not have been a concnern, because the little things in life were oblivious to me. I had no concept of what mattered to people & nothing small made a difference for me in my own life so I was unable to see a concept of simple pleasures. Everything was a complex & corrupting process of intoxication for pleasure & the numbing of feelings, even love & compassion. Today I have undergone a change, all thanks to Sober & Spiritual living, as well thanks to my Higher Power whom I pray to often. Its these changes in me that tell me every day when I wake up that I can stay sober for just one more day, afterall I have overcome the phenominon of craving & the obsession in early Sobriety for the most part. I often look back at the clueless & selfish addict/alcoholic I was & wonder how I even got there, with so much feeling & life in me today its hard to see how it happened. But I get small clues, that lead me to the answers.
Those answers really aren't necessary and I can't dwell on them, but it is surely nice to gain enlightenment & know more. The most important thing is that I truly love myself for who I am today, the often helpful & definitely caring person I have become. The little things seem a little more obvious, I no longer only pay attention to other's deepest pleasures on to to fulfill my own. Today I care about others as much as I care about myself, sometimes even more. I know that without Sobriety in my life & Spiritual Lines in which to grow upon, this is all but a temporary phase of my life. If I want it to continue & last forever then I must continue to work the 12 Steps in my life daily & to connect with & help others, even non-alcohlics. If I can die one day being known for something, it would be someone who overcame the odds & changed for the better of living life with & for others to find the happiness I have found. Call me an advocate of the peace within, or a sponsor of spirituality, I wish the life I have today on all, when the life I had before I would not curse on my worst enemy. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
That was my morning, in the end the fish were fine & my prayers were answered. My mom upon waking up initially did not even know of the happening as my Dad & I took care of it as to not worry her prematurely. I slept in and later my nephew & niece showed up to be babysat. I was up & getting ready to shower as my mom was leaving to take them home, when I got out my dad was arriving & it was time to eat & leave for my meeting. I had forgotten that I wanted to be early to do some group Librarian work, but after a great meeting with a good speaker I eneded up staying late & getting it done anyway. So now I am home, reflecting on the day & a few important things I noticed about it. Everything that comes to mind tonight is a reminder for me of how it was & how much I've changed.
In those many years of addiction, I not only would not have rushed out to help my dad with the pond, I would not have really cared if the poor fish died. My mother's & father's feelins would not have been a concnern, because the little things in life were oblivious to me. I had no concept of what mattered to people & nothing small made a difference for me in my own life so I was unable to see a concept of simple pleasures. Everything was a complex & corrupting process of intoxication for pleasure & the numbing of feelings, even love & compassion. Today I have undergone a change, all thanks to Sober & Spiritual living, as well thanks to my Higher Power whom I pray to often. Its these changes in me that tell me every day when I wake up that I can stay sober for just one more day, afterall I have overcome the phenominon of craving & the obsession in early Sobriety for the most part. I often look back at the clueless & selfish addict/alcoholic I was & wonder how I even got there, with so much feeling & life in me today its hard to see how it happened. But I get small clues, that lead me to the answers.
Those answers really aren't necessary and I can't dwell on them, but it is surely nice to gain enlightenment & know more. The most important thing is that I truly love myself for who I am today, the often helpful & definitely caring person I have become. The little things seem a little more obvious, I no longer only pay attention to other's deepest pleasures on to to fulfill my own. Today I care about others as much as I care about myself, sometimes even more. I know that without Sobriety in my life & Spiritual Lines in which to grow upon, this is all but a temporary phase of my life. If I want it to continue & last forever then I must continue to work the 12 Steps in my life daily & to connect with & help others, even non-alcohlics. If I can die one day being known for something, it would be someone who overcame the odds & changed for the better of living life with & for others to find the happiness I have found. Call me an advocate of the peace within, or a sponsor of spirituality, I wish the life I have today on all, when the life I had before I would not curse on my worst enemy. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy
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