Beautiful Days - From Beautiful Ways

May 15. Once again I am mere minutes, say a half hour to midnight where I live. The significance of another passing day normally is that I have endured another day sober, without drink or drug to survive. Tonight however it signifies something a little different, it happens to be my birthday as the clock strikes 12. To most a birthday is a reason to reflect, celebrate, & perhaps let loose of a year of tensions. My 18th birthday I celebrated by buying legally my first pack of cigarettes via presentation of a legal state identification. My 21st birthday I traveled from bar to bar guzzling alcohol in celebration of legal consumption of many of my favorite drinks. The truth though is from nearly age 15 on, my birthdays contained a dark & secretive ghost. It was from that point on that I spent every year for the next 13 birthday's drinking, drugging, & dosing myself into oblivion. If family had to be a part of the celebration I would moderate doses or squirm in my skin waiting for the "formal" gathering to dissipate. At the first chance of isolation or outside the view of others I would begin a ritual of sensless spiritual destruction through careless intoxication. This is all an understatement, because not only did I selfishly feed my addiction that was young & growing but my character defects secretly grew in the darkness of the secrets I kept.

I can rattle on specific examples of how I managed to forget every single birthday I had the same day it fell on, but war stories & drunk-a-logs are not necessary. What matters most now is that I emphasize how good it feels to finally have a birthday in which I dont disgustingly build up another story of oblivion. For once I am eager to enjoy my life, my birth, & a passing year for all it has brought into my life & enabled me to do for others thusfar. For how little I am able to do up to this point & how short I am to spiritual wealth in my life, I feel still richer in spirit & happiness than I have ever been before. This has alot to say with how I spent my day & night today, how I prepared to celebrate my birthday differently for the first time in 13 years. Change. Oh it is hard, but it is worth every moment of it. Today I got to see a person eternally close to my heart marry the right man for her, seemingly a man's man, the man of her dreams. In past years I would have defected in seeing this great union, putting it down as second best to me & my insanity. I truly am for once happy for someone else, to be able to make someone who I am so deeply befriended.. so lovingly satisfied.

I got to witness this beautiful wedding with some of my closest friends & supporters in my battle against my greatest enemy, myself. It was truly their day & I am applauded it perhaps the loudest at times. As my problems are not theirs, they are my own, drinks were being served at the reception. I finished my dinner & made my rounds, respectfully, lovingly, & gratefully thanking all who had anything to do with making the event so magical for their part & presence. Upon leaving I got to keep a huge smile to myself for the two lovebirds, I guess when your alone & reflecting you get to truly know yourself more & notice your spiritual change consciously. The smile & joy lasted all the way to my arrival at our MARS Group sober barbecue. The party was also dedicated to two of us in the group that had birthdays coming in in the next few 24 hours. I was bombarded by friendship & love from my arrival to my departure. We had a meeting around the campfire, discussing our spiritual journies & sharing solutions & concerns.

I was without concern & have not had anything but a full & joyous heart from the time I arrived this morning to run my business. My anticipation for this day had me flowing over with optimism for everything I was to encounter. Maybe it was the positive thinking that has made this all so wonderful, or maybe its because I am changing. Each passing day & every principle I further parallel my life with, I become more the man I always wanted, no, was always meant to be. Afterall if this was not meant to be, or I was not meant to feel so grateful for all that is in & happing around my life, then my higher power surely would have interveined by now & put a stop to all of it. I guess its time I move this story of my great day of smiles to a pointed thought. After having a day like this, months of growth, more genuine & loving friends than I can count & a life to live that allows me to feel great about every bit of it, how could I ever want to spend another birthday in oblivion? Even when things are not the greatest, or I have not had a day like today where I can walk on air.. I never want to NOT feel my feelings again. I never want to miss out on another person or event that could bring me such happiness in my life, all over a selfish desire to destroy myself uncontrollably. I won't allow that & the only way I can be sure I won't is to continue to do what works in my life.

I & only I must follow the program & the 12 Steps that have gotten me this far & never stop. Others may not have to do this, perhaps one day my whole life will be filled with people who know nothing of what I do to be free. That is fine, I am the only one who has to do this, for me & all those who wish to have the best growing parts of me in their life. Did my day sound like I lived sobriety? If I didn't mention the fact that I didn't drink or take a drug all day, you would have just read a description of any normal person having a wonderful day... that may have had a drink or may not have. If I continue on this course I am free to continue on enjoying life like everyone else. Sounds like a deal to me.. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy