Drama, Stress, Loss - How Do We Survive

May 04. Well today was monday & its now crossed midnight here so tuesday begins. My start of the week was not tremendous to say the least. It was in fact devestating & stressful. I have shared it at MARS Group tonight & with my sponsor, as well as with my parents for support. I haven't felt relieved to the current moment so I want to share more here with you all. It is my hopes that through venting this in black & white I can reflect on my views of my current life circumstances & grow from it all. This morning I avoided a friend who was continually texting me, because she is persuing an unhealthy relationship with me behind the back of her boyfriend. I cannot feel that I am doing the next right thing by fullfilling selfish desires that will lead to emotions that all ends in hurt for myself. Another person full of drama bringing stress was calling all morning as well. His agenda was to contact me with drama & delusions he is conjuring during his active addiction. He also in hearing of a financial mistake made on the state's part, slandered me to some others we mutually know & was actually questioning my Sobriety because I called him out on some favors I had done for him in the past to eleviate the financial burden by repaying favors I had done for him time & again. Needless to say this was a morning where I kept turning my phone volume off & going back to sleep.

I finally started my day way to late to take on any leisure or extra credit work on anything in my agenda. I got ready for my MARS Group meeting & left, thinnking my mom was upset that I could not stay for dinner which happens a few times a week because of poor time management on my part & health issues causing me to need rest before I leave for my very activity filled evenings. I was in my car & my sponsor called, only to break some news to me that was devestating to me. A friend whom I have much history with & we even shared a mutual love in our lives at different times who we lost to death by a motorcycle.. well he had died over the weekend the exact same way.. on a motorcycle.. with our ex's mother on the back.. also killed by the impact. My mind was blown. We had just rekindled our friendship as he recently got sober & we were seeing eachother a few times a week again, talking, sharing life & rooting eachother on sincerely. All our past resentment seeming to be a thing of the past. He is now gone & I hope in a better place. I truly believe that this attempt at Sobriety was the one that was changing his life, he died a man I was happy to call a friend again in my life with a common wholesome goal of lasting sobriety.

Hearing this tragic news I made it to MARS Group, where the meeting started by the breaking of news of his death & passing around of his obituary & news article, reliving & reminding me of the death of not only him, but our mutual ex girlfriend & her mother as well. I can only say my higher power spared me the emotional outburst that would have come out of me had my sponsor not told me just minutes prior as I drove to the meeting. The existance of my higher power is ever more clear today as it's sympathy for my pain was shown to me once again through miracle timing in my sponsors call. I shared exactly how close he & I had become and was open about how well our "roots" in life were tangled among special people lost before. The meeting went on, our topic the 5th step, admitting our wrongs to God, ourselves, and another human being. It follows the 4th step personal inventory for such reasons as to let go permanently of the fears & resentments and all our wrongs for good.. allowing spiritual healing as a result.

We adjourned there & I headed to meet my sponsor at my old monday meeting which ends a half hour later, during my arrival it was spoken about my friends death & asked for prayers for all the family & for Phil. More things were shared about the 5th step & I even got to see a friend who relapsed back to his first meeting, a glorious sight. I talked with my sponsor then headed home, needing greatly to talk to my parents & unload the stress. Upon finding out the time of the memorial for my friend tomorrow, it occured to me that I must let down another friend who needed a ride to an important appointment from me. I broke the news of the conflict in times & that I needed to go get my closure & do what I needed spiritually to let go of this turmoil in my soul. She seemed a bit deterred & turned off by it, which added more stress to my head. When I got inside to talk with my parents I had to unload it. Someone needed to hear it all at once, or I might just burst. I thank my higher power for giving them the love to endure my dumping of emotions & stress.

After explaining all of my toils & heartache to them, I felt slightly relieved. It wasn't miraculously taken away by any means, but just enough pressure fell off my shoulders that I could move a little more free within myself again. Sometimes our needs are met by our higher power in the smallest ways, giving us not complete wiping of the slate, but perhaps just making the slate bigger so we have more room to put the words surviving & having gratitude on the board with the rest. I know that a drink or drug today will not relieve the hard series of pressures or pains that I am facing, but staying sober will allow me to address them all. If I need handle each thing one at a time so be it. I am ever grateful for my sponsor, support group, my parents, and my higher power today for listening to all of my worries & giving me just enough encouragement & faith to handle them all one at a time. Just like I handle my days, one at a time, so too shall this pass. I am growing through this all, its all life circumstances that will one day build me ready to face my greatest enemy in war, the armor is growing thick. That enemy is myself & my alcoholism. Each day sober I grow stronger & more aware with skills gained through the 12 steps I am practicing to one day supress the threat & better deal with all of life's future challenges. Thanks for listening to me.. Good Night. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy PS. I Love You Phil! I am so proud of you for fighting until the end & being a part of the solution when our creator decided to take you home.