Hurting Others - The Wake Of Self Hatred

May 08. Well Friday is done, I hope all of my friends out there had a great one. Mine was average & by that I mean nothing drastic happened. Each day is a new adventure & I have to honestly say that they keep getting better, but it happens so slowly that I have to look back to realize it sometimes. I am so much father along than when I started this journey 9 months ago. The difference is even evident in my writings since January in this blog. So I may as well run down my day, I know certain readers want to know & others want to grow, like me :) I got to actually doing anything constructive when it came down to dinner time, meeting my mom & dad down at our favorite Chinese Buffet. I had such a bad stomach ache last night I thought I had an internal injury or something was stabbing me. Tonight there was no sign of that pain & I was thankful that it was hopefully a one time event. Dinner was good, I really need that time with my parents face to face, growing a relationship.

On the note of relationship growing, I had all but given up on a friend some time ago. Last night he attended his first meeting in 6 months with me, he even joined a group & made some steep commitments that I did not expect from him. He had said he would go to 90 meetings in 90 days as suggested by many & just see what kind of improvements come about in his life as a whole. To my dissapointment he left for the weekend, totally blowing off the commitment to himself which I was to help him with as far as giving him a ride daily. Helping another helps me greatly & I had an added interest in this specific person being an old suffering friend. I realize more than ever that Sobriety & Spiritual Living is for those who WANT it, not for those who NEED it.

I attended the meeting & all was great, my sponsor is going through some life circumstances of his own & was very brief but as always there if I truly had a problem. I felt compelled seeing his own weight to carry in Sobriety, to let him know what he means to me & my spiritual development. It's nice to pick up others. I spent a few hours having coffee & playing cards with two friends of mine afterward then headed home. I was reflecting on days gone past and a friend was chatting with me online. I looked back at all the times I selfishly hurt someone, broke my commitments, or did damage to many inconsiderately. I compared it to the person I have become today.

Deep down within all my heart & soul I truly don't want to hurt another, I never did. My disease in years past had caused me to push my deepest desires & my inner self aside, allowing an abomination of a man to rule for many years. I crushed people's hearts, stomped on their pride, took their wealth & lured them into contributing to my own selfish gains. That dark devil within me was alcoholism, its hunger never ceased & still does not to this day. It lives in so many of us, even those of us that never have touched a drink or drug. Its a social, mental, physical & spritual disease that can destroy lives.. & it destroyed mine.

It took this destruction for me to shed that shell of evil that surrounded me, I had finally hurt one too many persons I cared for & myself one too many times. It is only through the grace of my higher power, the 12 steps, & living by spiritual principles that I am able to prevent that alcoholic monstrosity from hurting someone again. I love myself enough today to keep doing what is necessary for my alcoholism to be relieved. It's a daily process of simple good living among the world around me, just a little different than others do. If someone was to live in the same residence as me they would not know I was alcoholic if I told them nothing & if I never said "I'm going to a meeting". They would just see me come & go, perhaps thinking that I liked to take naps in between my duties & activities. Thats not how it used to be, anyone living with me before, even a child, would know that something was greatly wrong about my life & that I was unhappy.

That is why I long to help others & I also pray for them to be ready to want it. Does it hurt to see people go on not loving themselves? Unhappy with their conditions of life, their actions, their compulsions & thoughts? Yes it does hurt to see that, as it hurt others to see it in me. But we all somehow find a way to accept that it's not our responsibility to save the world, but help where we can & where it will be recieved. Often our efforts are wasted, sometimes we cannot tell if we did more good than bad for a person's situation.. but I must say this. I would rather be known for helping more than I should, than ever be known to hurt another person intentionally again. I have found happiness in the feeling I have that compells me to give good things in life to others, maybe that is what has driven me to grow spiritually. Regaurdless of failed attempts, there will always be someone else that dislikes themselves (even if its a temporary feeling) & I am ever devoted to sharing my experience with others. I want to give the gift of learning to Love My Life to others as long as my higher power wills it to be. Thanks for blogging in.. Good Night.. Good Morning.. <3 Jimmy