Chasing That Dream V.S. Living That Dream

May 20. Hey friends, wednesday was cool in my book. I slept in, seems to be my pattern lately which I kind of don't like but obviously am adjusting & in need of the rest. Mom made some dinner early for me, my birthday lasagna which is always better reheated. I watched my favorite TV series airing right now on the web, Fox's Glee, then got ready for the meeting 2 hours later. I showed up early to make coffee & set up because I took that commitment for the month of May. The good news was there was a few people there to help out & I didn't have to do much to get read for the meeting. After a great meeting & some good chats with old & new friends we wrapped up, locked up, & headed out. I invited some newcomers to join me friday out at a pizza shop after the meeting, they seemed eager & accepted so we'll see how that goes when it happens.

After the meeting I headed out to meet up with a friend of old, ending up bumping into two others while out having coffee & playing games. It was all in all a good night. So here I am home & up late, ready to talk about something real in my life. I am sober 10 months today, I couldn't imagine getting 10 days clean when I started this. It's no small feat for an alcoholic or addict to even go a day without their chemical of choice or another substance to ease their discomfort. Its very difficult for people who do not have this spiritual disease to imagine why we do what we do to ourselves, or why we cannot just simply stop or go without. Most of us spend ages in a numb state of body & mind, chasing a dream that is never within reach. At the end of the day, each of us consumed & abused what we did for a sense of belongingness, for happiness, fun, and how blind we were to what monster was growing within us.

I remember for the first ten years thinking I could stop when I wanted, but never actually stopping or trying. A reason good enough to comprimise my only "joy" at the time never came to be. I surrounded my life with either people that accepted my problem or that were blind to it. I do not know if I just had drugs & alcohol stripped from me in a sudden way if I would have survived that emotionally or spiritually. I recently have memories return to me of not wanting to live years ago, feelings I had long forgotten in my numb & lengthy stupor. It is so great to not feel that way today, to not feel hollow or empty about a single aspect in my life. Even "dating" which is absent in my life right now is no big deal, I have come to peace with the fact that when the right girl comes along for me we will meet, we will want to see eachother again, and the rest is in the hands of my Higher Power. Afterall it's only by the grace of my higher power that anything happens in my life, good, bad, or indifferent.

I am more in touch today with the fact that although I am my own person & make my own choices, that everything happens for a reason as planned. That planning put into my life is not my own, its a greater force than I could ever imagine & it has never intended to hurt me though I have been. All of the struggles & pains I felt & endured were so that I could stand today with straight eyes & clear mind, capable & confident. I know today what I have to offer people & as I maintain Sobriety that list of useful things I have become grows larger. So today instead of "Chasing That Dream" I get to "Live That Dream". I do so with the understanding that its not all for & about me, but certain parts & times of this wild ride of life are indeed meant for me to experience. And I am meant to experience them competent & sober, I have lost my ability to enjoy a gleeful buzz or a mild trip so to say, this is how it was meant for me. To all those who do not suffer from alcoholism/addiction, I once knew what it was like to be able to have a good time with a drink in my hand. But somewhere in my process of "Chasing That Dream" for a life of happiness I lost my will over it & it lost its effect. So if you can enjoy just one drink, or just one night out to get high, thank your higher power that your not like me. But then again maybe I'm the lucky one, because afterall today.. I am "Living That Dream", the one I dreamt of for 14 years of addiction. Good Night.. Good Morning... <3 Jimmy