Jan 6. Hey everybody, today was a really wild day full of ups and downs. I want to start by expressing my gratitude for having this blog to share my thoughts and experiences with whoever listens. Thank you all who read and tune in when you get a chance. You are forever an inspiration.
Today was not the typical wednesday. I had alot of sorting through stuff to do for my new business venture with my cousin. I couldn't get motivated so at one point I asked my higher power for just that. It came eventually and I got what I needed to do done. I had a little bit of running to do as the evening approached then came home quick to see my mother upon her arrival from work. We spent a few minutes swapping some ideas and thoughts & I headed out for coffee before the meeting tonight. Earlier I had a conversation about a person dear to me with someone else. We both had expressed our concerns about the friend and them approaching the brink of danger when it comes to alcohol. I noticed more and more that they were going on almost on a schedule, pattern drinking, not necessarily an alcoholic. Many people can go out have a drink and go home and do so every friday without falling victim to the disease. In this case though there are some other factors that worried me..
Its medically stated that alcoholism and addiction are geneticly passed from generation to generation. If a person goes their life without major or frequent exposure in their life to it, they can often times live their entire life without a problem with substances. Any exposure brings a risk to the foreground. Some potential alcoholics do not drink every day, they just drink alot when they do. Others are the type that when they drink their actions are not gauranteed, their ability to function is impaired, or their social coping skills dissapear. These examples are not the only signs that acoholism is on its way into someone's life but they are a few. In fact someone may just have a bad habbit and not be alcoholic at all. So enough with these sensless facts..
The conversation on the phone was no coincidence, the danger that we had sensed had become apparent tonight. This person I care for had made a poor decision and got caught driving DUI. They are not an everyday drinker, they do not blackout to my knowledge, and can go long spans without it. Unmanageability in our actions or lives due to alcohol is something that any alcoholic or non-alcoholic will someday have to face because the laws are designed to make it criminal to lose control of your actions due to alcohol or drug consumption. That is if they continue to consume those substances, if they abstain, the unmanagability can fade. For me I need the help of the 12 step program I work to help the return of manageability to my life. The first step of the program states, "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-- that our lives had become unmanageable". Some people take this statement too literal. Any part of our actions or lives that we cannot manage when on drugs or alcohol proves unmanageability of some sort. It doesn't need to be our whole life that is unmanageable. That one thing, if we put down the glass, can become manageable again with a little help and practice. For me my whole life was unmanagable, so the severity of my alcoholism was obviously nearing closer to my death or long term jail/institution. No one has to have a bottom like this. In fact all of our bottoms are different. The book that guides us through the 12 steps (with a sponsor) has taught me that sometimes we can think back to when our bottom wasn't so deep, and relate to someone that has not progressed to our level of alcoholism but has seen enough to stop.
I truly cannot say if my close friend that got in trouble is an alcoholic, that is for them to decide. I can say without a doubt though, when consequences started happening to me and the fun turned into troubles, I knew that I was losing power over it and things were going to be unmanageable very soon. That is exactly what happened, that downward spiral of hoplessness took hold and for 14 years I didn't know how to stop it. At some points I tried new methods and had some fun again, just to lose control to the spiral again and back to hopeless. Tonight I pray for my dearest friend, that THIS BE their bottom. That the suffering does not come into their lives, that this is the day that they never lift a glass of poison to their lips. Only they can decide when that is, as only I could decide after a few times in court, rehab, near death several times, and the tears of my loved ones that it was finally my bottom. Little do they know, they are such a wonderful person without it anyway. May the light of the spirit shine on you from this day forward. Thanks friends for letting me cry and lecture to you tonight. Til tomorrow, Good Night & Good Morning <3 -- Jimmy
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Well I appreciate all who have read this and sent private responses to it. I thank you so much for your prayers and concerns. Perhaps one day I won't have to talk anonymously about it and it will be a proud display of strenght from change for my friend. In any case I appreciate my readers so much, you are all such wonderful people. Thanks to my supportive family & friends I could never dream life without you.
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