Its All On His Time, Not Mine -- Patience

Jan 12. It was a different kind of day, but before I explain I need to keep gratitude in my mind & thank all of you who stop to visit when you can. This treasure I call SOS is more than just a blog, it is indeed my signal for hope. To better explain what I mean by different, because no two days are the same, let me elaborate.

In the early afternoon I got a call back from one of the court appointed folk, it seems they unknowingly scheduled me to show up at Martin Luther King Jr. Day for an appointment. Being a federal holiday that so man of us hold dear I figured that it was made in error so we rescheduled. I called my cousin to come over & visit with me. This was a big difference in my normal day so to speak. I am usually out of my comfort zone and going to visit friends & family in their homes. It felt nice to know that I am good enough position spiritually that people are in fact interested in going out of their way to spend time with me. For far too long I was uncapable of going out of the way to see others, because of that during my addiction I suffered by having no one involved in my life. It wasn't exactly a healthy or desirable life to want to be involved in anyway.

After accomplishing many things during his visit, my cousin & his son left to go home. I got a shower & while I was in there got some text messages & missed phone calls. Of all the relationships in my life there are a few that arent so healthy and beyond my control. For the time being I ignored the texts from those people & focused on calling my cousin who was just over because he left a message. Turned out he needed one of my friend's expertise & so I met up again with him to meet this jeweler. While there I was fortunate enough to catch up on lost weeks with the friend, suprisingly we struck a deal to sit down and work out some product options for my weekend storefront. Jewelry was doing quite well there & I had no options to obtain more without profits. On the way back to drop him off we met my mother so we could fill up the cars & get my cigarettes at the gas station she frequents.

I got home for a quick dinner before the meeting & finally took a look at those texts. They were a sad reminder of one of those relationships in my life that were not going so well. To make it worse the person seemed more stubborn and toxic minded than ever. This was all beyond my control because I can only control how honest, open-minded, & willing I am, not anyone else. When thinking about the inner potential I know this person has, it hurts me to think that very little of it shows in my presence. They are slowly receeding from the better spot in life they were before, closer to something I don't want to be a part of. I have had to keep distance because of this. Our relationship is complicated to say the least, and when I try to let go completely or change direction from north to south they somehow have managed to say or do something to make me look back.

The distance also reminds me of another person who years ago was in very close relations with me. The keeping distance thing made it so that for years we had lost touch, that paired with my addiction. Well recently we have been talking, thinking back, and have some feelings about where I am at now & where I would like to see myself in the future. The strange thing is that they are leaving mysterious hints about being a part of that. Encouraging me to keep dreaming and doing what I am doing & that people I want in my life just might get there. The thing is that other than my family, the specifics of who would best fill the various relationships for me in my vision of a great future are really unkown. Its this struggle & seeing certain past/potential relationships to develop along the way & stay healthy that was driving me crazy. At the meeting tonight it was my intention to hear a solution, to what can I do to ease this awareness for the unknown & the anxiety it brings.

The meeting proceeded, I heard very little in remote closeness to my problem thinking. So being a desperate alcoholic that was taught by others to ask for help, I shared in general what I was going through. I asked for talk on the topic of powerlessness and how it affects us with other people that may be hurting us or not ready to be in our lives whatever role we desire them to play. Not a single person touched on the topic, no powerless situations or desire for instant change to be heard. It seemed out of the group that tonight I was the one who had the different thinking. I later found out that was for a reason. The answer I was seeking wasn't far away.

After the meeting a friend called while I was out for coffee. She was dealing with problems with a man in jail she once had a relationship with that produced a child. She was unsure what lay next in her path or who next would walk it with her. Anxiety at is fullest. I often feel my best traits and knowledge has the ability to appear for the sake of others rather than myself, an alcoholic flaw I work daily to accept. The words that eased her mind came out of my mouth next, and somehow it was the answer I was waiting for at that meeting. The one to ease my own mind. I said, "It's All On God's (His) Time, Not Ours (Mine), you just need to keep doing whats best for you and be Patient. All that is beyond your control will play out and present itself when it is ready to." BINGO! Finally, the reason for the solution not being at the meeting was apparent. It turns out that I would not lose that much sleep tonight afterall. I knew the answer the entire time, but only by doing what the program suggests & talking with or helping another alcoholic did it become apparent to me. God will give me what I need to make it, and hopefully answer the questions about these relationships in my life.. but on his time, not mine. Not just because I want a person to change now or something to happen before its time. I can rest knowing that. I can be patient and enjoy the relationships I have now in my life until others happen or don't. I need only be my best and turn it over. "Are there times when we drove ourselves over the edge because of things beyond our control? Were there things that we didn't understand that made us search harder for that understanding? Did you ever just leave it to your higher power, to find that feeling of calm return, or to see that the patience & reliance brought answers?" If you care to share about the topic or anything I have said please feel free to do so. The questions asked are for reinforcement but sharing answers are always welcome. Thanks to all too who just leave the inspirational comments that keep me going. Another day, another chance to grow. Til tomorrow.. Good Night. Good Morning. <3 Jimmy